Don’t like them with the Man in Black—
Please hurry and rejoin Team Jack.

Not on a date! Not by the sea!
And as for Kate, you let her be!

I will not like him any hour.
With or without that damn sunflower.

I REALLY HATE him by the fire.
(This triangle situation is painfully dire.)

I do not like them “here” or “there.”
(But I will say I’m enjoying Claire.)

I do not like Lost’s final year—
But it’s okay. The end is near.

(Thanks, Green Eggs & Ham. I’m sure they’re more delicious than this crap.)

I’ve said enough about how the show is missing out on telling stories about Baby Tuna, so that’s not what this is about.  (ALTHOUGH SERIOUSLY, NOBODY FORCED THEM TO WRITE IN A PREGNANCY.)

This is just to relay the news from Jenna Fischer that the baby’s birth has been pushed from February to March, because of the Olympics.  This isn’t entirely surprising; the show has zero episodes in the can at this point, and it seemed like it’d be pretty difficult to shoot the two-part birth episode after New Year’s and have it ready for early February before NBC heads to Vancouver for the Winter Games.  So it’s a good thing that they’re going to postpone this (hopefully) landmark episode a little, so they have time to really get it right.  (Although at this point, the writers’ version of “right” and my version of “right” are probably very, very different.)

The one thing that’s a little awkward about it is how this might affect Pam’s maternity leave.  It made sense for her leave to coincide with the Olympics hiatus; with the baby arriving after the Games, that’s not logistically possible anymore.

So while it’s likely that we’ll have a few Pam-less episodes, it’s not out of the question that we might see maternity-leave Pam in the office … toting a special visitor.

Oh, what the hell am I thinking?  There’s no way they’ll do that.  Jim and Pam’s baby is going to be born, handed off to a babysitter, and never mentioned again.

alex & izzie back when their only problem was brain cancer and mercy west interlopers. // abc promotional photo

TVGuide.com is reporting that on January 21, Katherine Heigl’s returning to Seattle Grace–but that doesn’t mean that Alex and Izzie are going to be back on good terms.

According to the article, her return sends Alex to Joe’s, where he drowns his sorrow in liquor–and a one-night-stand with a mystery character, one we probably know. Says Justin Chambers,

I was totally thrown off by it. I think it’s great though. It just adds a little spice to the show. The writers are really good at turning corners and taking your head for a little spin. It surprised me as much as it will the audience.

It’s gotta be that annoying Reed, right?  Oh, I could just punch her in the face.

I’m starting to get concerned that Izzie and Alex’s relationship isn’t going to end well.  With Katherine Heigl likely leaving for good after this season and Justin Chambers almost definitely staying, things are not looking good for my favorite non-Derek and Meredith couple.

she really has the pained expression nailed. // abc promotional photo

I haven’t watched Private Practice in several weeks–mostly because I dislike watching 40-somethings act like children–but the promos for tonight’s 2-hour epic throwdown make the episode look promising.

Dell’s daughter is injured in her mom’s meth lab explosion!

Addison’s dad slept with Violet!

Violet and Pete still can’t figure out their Lucas drama!

Addison’s mom is here!

Charlotte is still the most deplorable character on network television!

Maya’s hooking up with boys and her parents are NOT happy about it!

And Dharma’s mom from Dharma and Greg is 60 and pregnant–with a 30-year-old dude’s baby!

Wow. That is a LOT to deal with.  The stuff that sounds cool (one of the sneaks suggests that Dell’s babymama died in the explosion, which would definitely be a good thing, ’cause her storylines suck hard) looks like it might have the power to outweigh the stuff that sounds miserably painful (anything involving Charlotte).

Here’s one sneak peek–there are ELEVEN more at SpoilerTV.

in my fantasies, anna espinosa kills vanessa using only the cranberry sauce. // the cw promotional photo

Kristin dos Santos has some new scoops on the couples of Gossip Girl, and I, for one, am so not amused.  It’s going to be an excruciating few months over there, and I just … ugh. Spoilers and whining under the cut.Says E! Online’s spoiler source:

According to sources, Dan and Vanessa are most definitely on. They will be getting together this season.

Ditto Nate and Serena, who will become a bona fide couple.

Rufus and Lily will have a major problem (Serena’s father).

And Chuck and Blair will be going strong.

Okay, Chuck and Blair–I’m glad that’s working out.  They’re still as interesting to me as they’ve always been, which is not that much.  I think Chuck is one of the most deplorable characters ever on television (I know, that’s an unpopular opinion), but Blair is just so wonderful that I’ll allow her to do whatever she wants to do.  If she wants to stay with Chuck, then she should.  You go, girl.

Rufus and Lily having drama is getting old, but I must say that the whole Serena’s father thing is kind of an interesting storyline.  The only bummer is that I’m sure this will involve both over-40′s characters acting like babies, which is always hard to take.

Now, since the show began, I’ve been firmly in the Dan/Serena camp, so it always pains me a little to see either one hooking up with someone else.  That said, I’ve been enjoying political sex scandal Serena–and what’s that’s been doing to Nate.  Nate and Vanessa have always seemed like tangential characters to the whole series–particularly after Nate and Blair broke up in season one–but I actually like Nate’s character and enjoy seeing him get meaty storylines.  So I’m pseudo-okay with Nate and Serena hooking up for a while.

But … I effing DESPISE Vanessa.  I think she’s one of the most poorly written, poorly portrayed characters EVER, and I wish she would just get hit by a bus.  So I especially don’t want to see her moving in on Dan Humphrey, who clearly has his faults but who deep down is a good guy.  Let’s hope these two can get it out of their systems and move on.  Notice, “move on” for Dan means “find someone else who’s actually awesome.”  For Vanessa, “move on” means “die a slow and painful death.”

Awesome.

they got significantly closer over the course of the scene // fox promotional photo

When I finally finished watched Bones late Wednesday night from Canada, I had FOUR chat windows going nutso in my GChat. (I promise this isn’t a story about how popular I am, because I’m really not that popular, except sometimes in circles that like to illegally download Bones from Canada.)  Everyone was FREAKING OUT about the end of “A Night in the Bones Museum,” and rightly so. Because … wait for it … Booth and Brennan aaaaaaalmost kissed.

I. Know. This is BIG NEWS.

They did not kiss–Angela interrupted their moment–but They Totally Almost Did.

Now, I’ll be honest, that was definitely the closest they’ve ever come before–there was LEANING!–and, like some of my fellow subversive conversants, I wondered as I waited for the interruption if there was any possibility their lips would actually touch.  Sure, we all pretty much knew they wouldn’t make it, but … maybe they would.  It was a cute moment, made all the more adorable by the tie-tying and hair-touching that followed their near-miss.  It was almost like they realized their big moment had passed, but they didn’t just couldn’t leave without a little touch. His especially has a, “Well, you touched me first, so it’s okay for me to touch you, I guess,” type feel.

Oh, you’re sensing it.

Here comes the but.

BUT it really makes no sense. This show continues to get more and more ridiculous with each passing week that Booth and Brennan go without hooking up.  The reason why they didn’t kiss, why they had to settle for tie-tying and hair-touching, is because it’s a show written by writers who refuse to write more than will-they-or-won’t-they. In real life, they would have given in to the sexual tension a long time ago.  The best thing is to just not get too excited about what might happen in this moment or this episode or this season, because the resolution to this storyline is a long way away. If it’s not Angela interrupting the moment, it’ll be Hodgins or an oven timer or any number of cheap, contrived plot devices until the writers decide they’re ready. And with ratings strong and steady while they’re sticking to the status quo, I see no incentive for them to do anything differently.  It’s sad but it’s true.

gross // the cw promotional photo

SpoilerTV thinks they’ve deduced a big Gossip Girl spoiler, and it’s pretty eww. Spoilers after the jump.

I think everyone can see this threesome storyline for what it is–a ratings ploy and a “look how far we’ll push the envelope” stunt.  (See also: Chuck’s guy-on-guy kiss next week.)

Using their deduction powers on a handful of tease-y articles about the threesome, SpoilerTV has narrowed it down to Dan/Olivia/Vanessa.  And can I please just say–eww.

First of all, everything Vanessa does is gross. She is my number one Character Who Should Get Hit By a Bus. She’s totally useless, always a third character in scenes that only really require two. (Look! Third threesome wheel! Seriously!) If she comes out of this threesome with THE FEELINGS FOR DAN (again), I will seriously hire a hit man for Vanessa Abrams.

Beyond that, I just really don’t like how Dan is so squeaky-clean most of the time and then he just EXPLODES in an epic pile of crazybrain. Remember how he hooked up with Rachel the Teacher last year? At least Chuck Bass is consistently disgusting. Plus, we all know that Dan’s eventually going to end up back with Serena (Right? Right!?!), and we all know that Hilary Duff is only around for a certain number of episodes, so why push this nonsense when it’s clearly not going anywhere? Whereas character development on most shows looks more or less like an line with a positive slope (perhaps with a few dips where they hook up with an ex or kill their father or something), Gossip Girl‘s characters don’t change over time.  If I drew a chart, it would look like a heartrate monitor–spiking at particular storyline points, but always reverting back to where it started.

Also, I just really don’t want to see that.

IMPORTANT COMPUTER STUFF! // abc promotional photo

There are new promotional pictures for Grey’s Anatomy up on SpoilerTV. (Spoilery!) thoughts are after the jump!

First of all, in the picture above, you can see that Callie’s lab coat reads “Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital.”  Did we know that’s what they were going to call the hospital post-merger?  Because that’s insane.  I’m glad I’m not their receptionist, because seriously. That’s a mouthful.

gross // abc promotional photo

The biggest news out of these photos, from the upcoming episode “Give Peace a Chance,” is the sad state that McDreamy seems to be in.  The episode synopsis reads, “When the hospital lab tech, Isaac, discovers he has an inoperable tumor wrapped around his spine, he turns to Derek for help; Derek challenges Richard’s authority.”  It seems like Derek’s going to throw himself into the case and, like he has been doing for the past few weeks, will stand up to the Chief to get things done.

It’s about time.  The Chief is another hateful character–I wish it had been him who had been thrown under the bus instead of George.  He’s just such a whiny baby, and if he hates his job so much, then why doesn’t he just RETIRE already like he’s been talking about doing since FOREVER?  NO ONE WOULD MISS HIM.

So I personally love that Derek’s Big Story While Ellen Is On Maternity Leave revolves around kicking the Chief’s ass.

Also, while we’re on the subject–we know that Ellen Pompeo’s going to miss a grand total of zero episodes because of her maternity leave, but we also know she’s going to be pretty downsized at least until around Christmas.  They said they filmed a lot of her scenes before she had the baby, so given the way last week went, I have to assume these scenes are, at first, of her recuperating in bed and Derek coming home to her after a hard day, and then, later, of her randomly standing around in the hospital.  Still, though, the canonical reason for her absence is that she’s recovering from giving her dad a piece of her liver.

That would be all well and good if it hadn’t just taken Izzie FIVE MINUTES to go from one end of the scalpel to the other.  I mean, seriously, if Izzie could recover from her INOPERABLE BRAIN TUMOR enough to already be back in the hospital in episode three, it doesn’t really make any sense for Meredith to take until Christmas to recover from a little liver-giving.  Whatever.  I shouldn’t be surprised, when this show has the most effed-up timeline in the history of television.  But that’s a rant for another post.

their clothes ARE super-cute // abc promotional photo

Most people watch different shows for different reasons.  For example, I watch Lost and Bones for two very different reasons; I dislike being asked to overanalyze the contents of Booth’s nightstand (as many people did after “The End in the Beginning”), but I spend my Lost hiatuses knee-deep in alternate reality games whose specific purpose is overanalysis.  Two different shows.  Two different reasons.

You have to accept things for what they are.  Private Practice is really not a very good show.  The plots are all over the place, some of the characters are just downright deplorable, and the relationships are all screwed up.  So why do I keep watching it week after week?  Because even though it basically sucks, it sucks in a good way.

The first two episodes of the season have focused primarily on Violet, recovering from the physical and emotional toll she took when a crazy patient cut her baby out of her and stole it.  (That right there should set up why this show is such a hot mess.)  At the end of Thursday’s episode, she passed Baby Lucas (yeah, they got him back) off to Pete, telling him the best thing for the baby was to not be with her.  Shonda Rhimes basically thinks up the most crazy, cliche storylines she can possible imagine, and then she just runs with them.

And while it’s getting super-frustrating on Grey’s, considering how good that show was in the beginning, it’s working just fine on this show, which has been ridiculous since the beginning.

I’ll excuse the baby-swapping and the still-simmering paternity drama, but there are a couple of things that I just can’t stand.

#1 is Charlotte King.  She’s just such a miserable shrew, and I really wish she would get hit by a bus.  I have seen the exact same scene of her breaking up with Cooper (“Well, you’re in love with Violet!” “Well, you’re a cold-hearted bitch!” “I’m really, really damaged!”) at least a dozen times, and every time, they just end up getting back together FOR NO REASON.  Oh, she’s just so hateful.

#2 is the ships.  Aside from Charlotte/Cooper, which is just painful to watch–I can’t believe they’re trying to pass this off as appropriate near-middle-aged behavior–I still HATE HATE HATE Pete/Violet.  Remember how much chemistry Tim Daly has with Kate Walsh?  Remember their super-hot makeout sessions in the office  back in the first season???  Now remember how damn FORCED it feels between Pete and Violet?  Why are they forcing this ship?  It makes no SENSE.  And, Addison, my God, she’s had more love interests in the last year (David Sutcliffe, Married Guy, and the guy who’s now on Better off Ted) than is really necessary, but they all keep getting better jobs.  Is it possible y’all could, I don’t know, get somebody on a contract to come and play her love interest?  I feel like the show set up Pete/Addison so nicely at the beginning that they’re finding it difficult to get a guy in there who’s worthy of being Addison’s True Love.  (Although, I suppose, is anyone really worthy of her?)

#3 is how flaky everyone is about work.  They’re all always quitting or coming back to the practice or thinking about quitting or getting fired.  STOP IT.

But, yeah, despite all of these egregious problems, I’ll still watch the show.  Because I’m not watching it for the relationships or the plots or the patients.  I’m just watching it for the camp factor–it’s so bad, it’s good.  Oh, and sometimes Addison goes off about her credentials, and it’s always awesome.