don't worry, rachel. i hear YOU don't have to sing this terrible song. // fox promotional photo

Story time! I visited a friend at law school last weekend, and she took me to a party attended by all of her Law Revue castmates. For those of you who don’t know, Law Revue is a tradition at many schools, wherein overstressed, undersexed law students let loose for one night a semester to put on a musical show, parodying well-known songs with lyrics rewritten as tributes to the suckitude that is law school.

(According to my friend, the songs can be compared to Weird Al’s and no one comes to the show except other law students.)

Anyway, while I was there, they were having elections, because they are law students and like to make things as complicated as possible. And apparently a point of contention amongst the members of the Law Revue is the prevalence of Top-40 songs in the show. Because at the beginning of the semester, everyone loves Top-40 songs and want to make up hilarious parody lyrics to them.

But by the end of the semester, the songs that were Top-40 in September are has-beens, and it’s EMBARRASSING to be singing them as if they are still cool. (Apparently “1L Dreams” did Katy Perry justice, even seven months after that song hit #1.)

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Glee is, according to sources, covering Rebecca Black’s “Friday” before season’s end.

UGHHHHHHH.

In my opinion, that song is ALREADY over. I mean, it’s going to haunt RB for the rest of her natural existence, like Ice Town haunts Ben Wyatt on Parks and Recreation, but I really thought America was ready to move on to the next national embarrassment.

But now not only is Glee extending the length of this exhausting meme — they’re going to be beating an incredibly dead horse by the time this episode actually airs. Rather than trying to capitalize on an already-passed pop culture moment, can’t Glee get back to what it used to be good at—strong renditions of songs that are actually good?

Promotional pictures for episode thirteen, which airs two weeks from Thursday, are out. Those pictures—and spoilers—are after the jump.

In colloquial terms, we call this “Susan Lewising That Shit.” It’s a reference to the estimable Dr. Lewis of ER, who gracefully dumped John Carter when it became clear he was in love with somebody else.

She definitely wasn’t the first. A much older example—and perhaps one of my all-time favorite movie moments—comes from The Sound of Music, when the Baroness excuses herself from the love triangle. It’s such a great moment, because up until that point, the Baroness was pretty much the second tier villain in the film. There were the Nazis, and then a notch below, there was the Baroness. She was going to send the kids to boarding school! What a bitch.

The clip isn’t on the YouTube, but you probably know it. The Captain and the Baroness are standing on the balcony of his villa, talking about their wedding plans, when he gently stops her. She totally reads the subtext and cuts him off before he can break up with her. She tells him she needs someone less independent and says she’ll go inside, pack her little bags, and return to Vienna where she damn well belongs. And she finishes the conversation with the brilliant zinger, “And somewhere out there is a young lady who I think will never be a nun.” In that moment, she stops being the villain and becomes my hero.

That scene—actually, that entire movie—is basically burned on my brain. So when I saw the following picture from Bones’s NOT-anticipated proposal episode, I got chills, because my homegirl Baroness von Hannah is about to remove herself from the equation, you guys.

bones will definitely never be a nun. // fox promotional photo

I mean, look at Booth! Look at Hannah! It’s OVER, y’all.

Not convinced? Look at this one, from the same episode. We’re going back to the old days of End Scenes of Fluff, as Brennan consoles a dejected Booth at the Founding Fathers while George Washington stares Booth down in judgment.

i cannot tell a lie. you are a douche. - george washington. // fox promotional photo

So how will this actually go down?

Even though Hannah seems to be playing it cool with Brennan, the events of last week’s episode won’t be quickly forgotten. (I didn’t watch it, but I hear things.) The seed of doubt has been planted, and I didn’t even have to incept her.

So I imagine that by the time Booth gets around to proposing, there are two things on his mind:

1. Sweets’s parallel proposal to Daisy.
2. His conflicting feelings for both Brennan and Hannah.

I feel like Booth’s proposal will be less about wanting to spend the rest of his life with Hannah, and more about wanting to convince himself he wants to spend the rest of his life with Hannah. The synopsis for the episode corroborates this theory: “Booth makes a grand gesture to show Hannah his commitment to their relationship.”

You know what it reminds me of?

John Locke’s proposal to Helen on Lost. Torn between his love for Helen and his need to know his father, regardless of how much of a loser that guy was, Locke ended up proposing to her during a fight, in the parking lot of a cheap hotel after she caught him being a sketchy sketch for his dad. T’was an act of desperation, and it didn’t pay off. She said no.

So while the thing pulling Booth from his relationship (his love for Brennan) is far less sketchy than running scams for his father, it’s still an obstacle that Hannah must be ready to realize is unconquerable. I also think this could set up the elevator dealio quite nicely—Booth is NOT going to be happy when he perceives that Brennan has once again ruined his chance for true happiness.

Anyway, I guess this means that episode fourteen could be my first Bones episode of the season. Prepare yourself for tweets such as “Nice new haircut, Bones!” and “Wow, nice AfghaniTAN, Booth!” and “Damn, that was the longest hiatus ever!”

annoying. ella ella. // fox promotional photo

Season two of Glee has provided me with two great joys:

1. Brittany in the Christmas episode.

2. When Gwyneth Paltrow’s fall arc was reduced from two episodes to one.

Now, I loved “Forget You” as much as the next girl, but I’m already over it and Gwyneth’s substitute teacher character. Actually, I’m REALLY over Gwyneth Paltrow in general. I have, well, Forgotten You. So imagine my chagrin when they announced last week that Gwyneth will be reprising her role as Holly Holliday.

For two episodes.

Specifically to date Will.

Please pardon me while I go bang my head against the wall. Here’s the thing. Gwyneth’s one-shot guest appearance was nice, but more is just unnecessary. It’s actually oddly reminiscent of Kristin Chenoweth’s appearances last year; her first guest spot was inspired, but her second was clunky. Just because these people are all buddy-buddy with Ryan Murphy doesn’t mean they need complete damn story arcs.

Speaking of which.

Anne Hathaway is now rumored to be guesting later this season as Kurt’s lesbian aunt. It’s a role she created for herself, telling Jimmy Fallon back in November that she had written a part for herself on the show. She also told him she wanted to sing “You Are Not Alone” from Into the Woods. [FYI, Anne, "No One is Alone" is by Sondheim. "You Are Not Alone" is the opening number of the second act of my forthcoming musical about the life and times of the Tenth Doctor.] I personally don’t understand all the fuss about Anne Hathaway. Is she really that great?

So apparently she met up with the Glee folks at the Golden Globes on Sunday and they sealed the deal. I find this kind of perfect, her being Kurt’s aunt, because Chris Colfer notoriously gets whatever he asks for on the series. I’m pretty sure he said, “I think it’d be great if you got me a Golden Globe,” and then Ryan Murphy made it happen.

My issue is … you can’t just hire actresses because they express interest and have a wacky idea. And you can’t just keep bringing on big-name guest stars for one, two, three episodes. At a certain point, Murphy needs to figure out long arcs for these characters; I mean, for a team called New Directions, these kids sure don’t seem to be headed in any new directions. Doing these one-off episodes, be they artist-themed hours or Special Guest Star episodes, isn’t doing anything for the overall storytelling.

Of course, my hope is that Anne can be the link between the Glee writers and her movie-grandma Julie Andrews. Now THAT is Colfer lobbying I can get behind.

In this sneak peek from next week’s Gossip Girl, Tim Gunn takes a look at Jenny Humphrey’s resume, and his reaction is a bit of a mixed bag for Little J. On the one hand, he’s impressed: loves Eleanor Waldorf, calls Jenny’s line “bold,” and admires her tenacity. On the other hand, he makes that face that only Tim Gunn can make, where he’s being polite but you can totally tell he’s judging her.

The best part is that you know he’s not acting, because while filming this cameo, Tim couldn’t, ahem, make it work with Taylor Momsen, and ended up bitching about her IN THE PRESS.

“”What a diva! She was pathetic, she couldn’t remember her lines, and she didn’t even have that many. I thought to myself ‘why are we all being held hostage by this brat?’”

Timothy, I ask myself that question every time this girl reappears on Gossip Girl.

Congratulations, Vanessa. You’ve been knocked off the top of the Who Should Get Killed Off Gossip Girl list.

I’m just waiting for the drug-fueled bus accident/fire/hotel window mishap.

Three new characters were introduced to three favorite shows this week: Fauxlivia on Fringe, Hannah on Bones, and Dr. Carl on Glee. They’re skanky, they’re making me angry, and I can talk intelligently about two of them.

Two things are screwy about this video: there was a torrential downpour last night and you can hear the rain in the background. Low-tech, this operation is. And I started a point about Juliet from Lost that I never finished, which is that I would bet money that Hannah will politely excuse HERSELF from the love triangle at the end of the day, whenever that is.

Hopefully soon.

Skank.

Don’t like them with the Man in Black—
Please hurry and rejoin Team Jack.

Not on a date! Not by the sea!
And as for Kate, you let her be!

I will not like him any hour.
With or without that damn sunflower.

I REALLY HATE him by the fire.
(This triangle situation is painfully dire.)

I do not like them “here” or “there.”
(But I will say I’m enjoying Claire.)

I do not like Lost’s final year—
But it’s okay. The end is near.

(Thanks, Green Eggs & Ham. I’m sure they’re more delicious than this crap.)

I’ve said enough about how the show is missing out on telling stories about Baby Tuna, so that’s not what this is about.  (ALTHOUGH SERIOUSLY, NOBODY FORCED THEM TO WRITE IN A PREGNANCY.)

This is just to relay the news from Jenna Fischer that the baby’s birth has been pushed from February to March, because of the Olympics.  This isn’t entirely surprising; the show has zero episodes in the can at this point, and it seemed like it’d be pretty difficult to shoot the two-part birth episode after New Year’s and have it ready for early February before NBC heads to Vancouver for the Winter Games.  So it’s a good thing that they’re going to postpone this (hopefully) landmark episode a little, so they have time to really get it right.  (Although at this point, the writers’ version of “right” and my version of “right” are probably very, very different.)

The one thing that’s a little awkward about it is how this might affect Pam’s maternity leave.  It made sense for her leave to coincide with the Olympics hiatus; with the baby arriving after the Games, that’s not logistically possible anymore.

So while it’s likely that we’ll have a few Pam-less episodes, it’s not out of the question that we might see maternity-leave Pam in the office … toting a special visitor.

Oh, what the hell am I thinking?  There’s no way they’ll do that.  Jim and Pam’s baby is going to be born, handed off to a babysitter, and never mentioned again.

alex & izzie back when their only problem was brain cancer and mercy west interlopers. // abc promotional photo

TVGuide.com is reporting that on January 21, Katherine Heigl’s returning to Seattle Grace–but that doesn’t mean that Alex and Izzie are going to be back on good terms.

According to the article, her return sends Alex to Joe’s, where he drowns his sorrow in liquor–and a one-night-stand with a mystery character, one we probably know. Says Justin Chambers,

I was totally thrown off by it. I think it’s great though. It just adds a little spice to the show. The writers are really good at turning corners and taking your head for a little spin. It surprised me as much as it will the audience.

It’s gotta be that annoying Reed, right?  Oh, I could just punch her in the face.

I’m starting to get concerned that Izzie and Alex’s relationship isn’t going to end well.  With Katherine Heigl likely leaving for good after this season and Justin Chambers almost definitely staying, things are not looking good for my favorite non-Derek and Meredith couple.

she really has the pained expression nailed. // abc promotional photo

I haven’t watched Private Practice in several weeks–mostly because I dislike watching 40-somethings act like children–but the promos for tonight’s 2-hour epic throwdown make the episode look promising.

Dell’s daughter is injured in her mom’s meth lab explosion!

Addison’s dad slept with Violet!

Violet and Pete still can’t figure out their Lucas drama!

Addison’s mom is here!

Charlotte is still the most deplorable character on network television!

Maya’s hooking up with boys and her parents are NOT happy about it!

And Dharma’s mom from Dharma and Greg is 60 and pregnant–with a 30-year-old dude’s baby!

Wow. That is a LOT to deal with.  The stuff that sounds cool (one of the sneaks suggests that Dell’s babymama died in the explosion, which would definitely be a good thing, ’cause her storylines suck hard) looks like it might have the power to outweigh the stuff that sounds miserably painful (anything involving Charlotte).

Here’s one sneak peek–there are ELEVEN more at SpoilerTV.

in my fantasies, anna espinosa kills vanessa using only the cranberry sauce. // the cw promotional photo

Kristin dos Santos has some new scoops on the couples of Gossip Girl, and I, for one, am so not amused.  It’s going to be an excruciating few months over there, and I just … ugh. Spoilers and whining under the cut.Says E! Online’s spoiler source:

According to sources, Dan and Vanessa are most definitely on. They will be getting together this season.

Ditto Nate and Serena, who will become a bona fide couple.

Rufus and Lily will have a major problem (Serena’s father).

And Chuck and Blair will be going strong.

Okay, Chuck and Blair–I’m glad that’s working out.  They’re still as interesting to me as they’ve always been, which is not that much.  I think Chuck is one of the most deplorable characters ever on television (I know, that’s an unpopular opinion), but Blair is just so wonderful that I’ll allow her to do whatever she wants to do.  If she wants to stay with Chuck, then she should.  You go, girl.

Rufus and Lily having drama is getting old, but I must say that the whole Serena’s father thing is kind of an interesting storyline.  The only bummer is that I’m sure this will involve both over-40′s characters acting like babies, which is always hard to take.

Now, since the show began, I’ve been firmly in the Dan/Serena camp, so it always pains me a little to see either one hooking up with someone else.  That said, I’ve been enjoying political sex scandal Serena–and what’s that’s been doing to Nate.  Nate and Vanessa have always seemed like tangential characters to the whole series–particularly after Nate and Blair broke up in season one–but I actually like Nate’s character and enjoy seeing him get meaty storylines.  So I’m pseudo-okay with Nate and Serena hooking up for a while.

But … I effing DESPISE Vanessa.  I think she’s one of the most poorly written, poorly portrayed characters EVER, and I wish she would just get hit by a bus.  So I especially don’t want to see her moving in on Dan Humphrey, who clearly has his faults but who deep down is a good guy.  Let’s hope these two can get it out of their systems and move on.  Notice, “move on” for Dan means “find someone else who’s actually awesome.”  For Vanessa, “move on” means “die a slow and painful death.”

Awesome.