i pity blair sometimes, too, serena. // the cw promotional photo

Monday’s premiere of Gossip Girl was, much like Serena and Blair’s Parisian summer, part sizzle, part fizzle.

The dialogue was classic Gossip Girl–rapid-fire, filled with pop culture references, and altogether smart. But the plot choices they’ve set up are, frankly, super-confusing.

Chuck’s in Paris (Prague?) with Fleur Delacour, calling himself Henry and having gotten himself shot. The French girl nursed him back to health in her low-budget apartment, so he’s okay, but Lily’s getting voicemails from European officials claiming that Chuck’s body just washed ashore. I guess this is supposed to be the BIG MYSTERY of the season, but I’m just not buying it. Chuck’s always been my second-to-least-favorite character (Vanessa–::shudders::), and the only time I’ve been able to tolerate him is when he’s with Blair. So, for all I care, his body could have actually just washed ashore on a beach and I would’ve been just as happy.

Nate’s dating a pyscho stalker, maybe. Katie Cassidy’s on board as Juliet, a cute, flirty girl who’s got mysterious intentions and a wall covered in pictures and information about the Upper East Siders. My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that this girl is THE Gossip Girl; I wasn’t the only one, because producers quickly dismissed those rumors. (Ugh–that would’ve been a way better storyline.)

Dan’s co-parenting with Georgina. WHAT. He says she’s been totally normal and cool, that he trusts her when she says the baby is his, and I’m just, like … why? Dan’s supposed to be this super-smart broody boy, and yet he’s just willing to trust this crazy nutjob, who’s done nothing but lie for the last three seasons? I mean, she is literally the most untrustworthy character on this show, which is really saying something. This entire plotline makes no logistical sense, and I feel sorry for that little baby who has to grow up with Georgina as a mom, especially once Dan figures it out and gets rid of her sorry ass.

And, finally, perhaps the most bizarre thing going on here–the singer Robyn is supposedly guest-starring in an October episode that involves Blair’s birthday party. Now, I’ll admit to not being as up on my pop music as I am on my television, but has Robyn really been relevant in this country since her 1997 hit “Show Me Love”?

Don’t like them with the Man in Black—
Please hurry and rejoin Team Jack.

Not on a date! Not by the sea!
And as for Kate, you let her be!

I will not like him any hour.
With or without that damn sunflower.

I REALLY HATE him by the fire.
(This triangle situation is painfully dire.)

I do not like them “here” or “there.”
(But I will say I’m enjoying Claire.)

I do not like Lost’s final year—
But it’s okay. The end is near.

(Thanks, Green Eggs & Ham. I’m sure they’re more delicious than this crap.)

Says the pilot’s writer, “Alaska is a place where people disappear and now you know why.”

Of course, the writers hope the whole werewolf thing will serve as a nice allegory for social unrest, suburban dystopia, etc. etc. etc.

I am not and will never be a Twilight fan, and I think Stephenie Meyer is a disgrace to pop culture.

BUT I will say that I much prefer werewolves to vampires.  My favorite member of the Order of the Phoenix is Lupin (that’s a lie, it’s definitely Sirius Black, but I still love Lupin like whoa), my favorite Doctor Who series two episode is “Tooth and Claw” (or maybe it’s “The Satan Pit,” I don’t know), and I do enjoy seeing Taylor Lautner without a shirt on.

So if we have to do supernatural crap, I’d much prefer werewolves to vampires.  But I’d also prefer just about anything else to werewolves OR vampires.

Bradley Whitford (The West Wing, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip) is co-starring in a new Fox series next year called Jack and Dan, where he plays Dan, a drunken, lecherous, wild-card cop who hangs onto his job only because of a heroic act years before.  (Colin Hanks plays Jack.)  Brad did a local news interview the other day, embedded above, where he sports maybe the worst mustache I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

And that mustache broke my heart.

He sounds like Josh Lyman, but he looks like a disgraced semi-retired porn star.

If Donna Moss saw that mustache, she would reclaim her Canadian citizenship and go back to the guy who stopped for a beer on the way to pick her up from the hospital.  That’s how gross that mustache is.

That mustache is so gross it’s probably going to cost Santos reelection.

The show looks good, but I’m not going to be able to watch it if it involves the goddamn mustache.

Prediction?  It’ll make it to air and be the first series cancelled of Fall 2010.

i want to punch him, too, sometimes. // fox promotional photo

There are some new sneak peeks out from Thursday’s Bones, “The Foot in the Foreclosure,” and they’re pretty much what you’d expect from an episode featuring Booth’s grandfather.  Videos and spoilers under the cut!

Booth’s grandpa, whom he affectionately calls “Pops,” makes it very clear that his grandson’s got “a keeper” on his hands, and he needn’t be stupid about making it happen with the bone doctor.  Furthermore, when Booth reiterates that there’s nothing between him and his partner, Pops retorts with, “Are you gay?”  This sentiment echoes what we heard from one Max Keenan in season four when he practically gave Booth permission to sleep with Brennan.

My question is–why do people only grill Booth about what’s going on between him and Bones?  If you’ve read spoilers, you know that Pops later hints to Brennan that she, too, has a keeper in her midst, but it’s merely a soft suggestion–an intimation, if you will.  We know that Brennan neither understands nor appreciates subtlety; why isn’t anyone flat-out asking her why she’s not with Booth?  Even Angela, who we usually consider pretty forward, will only poke Brennan a little about her relationship with Booth.

The final two sneaks are also interesting–one is of Brennan and Booth discovering the victim of the week, whose corpse has been burned to ash.  (The suspect: a cosmonaut in shadow form. Fringe joke, anyone? Anyone?)  It seems like an interesting case, relatively speaking.  Things are usually a little more fun when the case comes with new forensic parameters.  Of course we’re not really that interested in the case, and the best sneak is of Booth and Brennan (and tagalong Pops) heading to meet a suspect at a strip club.  While the whole “Pops is enjoying the dancing” thing is a little cringe-worthy, it’s typical Bones adorable-face when Booth tells a questioning stripper that, yes, indeed, he’s with Bones.  He even puts his arm around her to prove it–and, oh, you can tell neither one of them really minds.

did you even know they were capable of laughing? // abc promotional photo

Ausiello’s got the latest on Derek and Meredith’s ever-rocky relationship, complete with quotes from Shonda Rhimes herself:

They will face some relationship challenges, many of them work-oriented, in the second half of the season. I don’t know how many times [I] can say, ‘Derek and Meredith are together forever’ and have anybody hear it. I can only reassure so much. In order to [produce] a drama you need to have some drama. Whether or not two people are meant for one another doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to happen to challenge their relationship.

Thank you, Ms. Mogul, for explaining that to me.  I really appreciate it.

I think Shonda Rhimes would easily win the award for Most Narcissistic Showrunner. Do they give Emmys for that?

Anyway, producer self-importance aside, there’s really not much to say about this announcement.  She’s basically saying, “Derek and Meredith will have needless drama, but don’t worry, because I’m smart enough not to break them up for realsies.”

You know why Sydney and Vaughn’s relationship on Alias worked even when they were together?  Because they still had plenty of battles to fight as a team.  And even though their battles aren’t, well, literal battles, the same can be said of good, solid relationships like Coach and Mrs. Coach on Friday Night Lights.  Why does everyone always have to be fighting with each other for the drama to meet Shonda’s standards?

hey, at least this little situation is over. // fox promotional photo

In the latest sides out for Bones, Booth’s brother Jared is back, and as usual, he’s bringing the childish drama with him. Spoilers and speculation after the jump.

Turns out Jared’s returned from India with a girlfriend, Padme. And when he introduces her to Booth, things go well for a few minutes before Booth recognizes, but can’t place, Padme. We don’t get a reveal as to where or how she and Booth have crossed paths before, but I have to wonder if she wasn’t a suspect at some point–of if she and Booth hooked up.

Later on, though, things have clearly gone south for Booth and Jared–again.  Booth says, “And if my brother had access to them, I’d want him to tell me.” Jared: “Even you can’t believe that.” Booth: “You’re my brother. I love you–” Jared: “No. Don’t use that word, Seeley. Because you have no idea what the hell it means.”

At the end of the episode, Booth and Brennan sit at the bar. She says, “I should go. I’m sure Jared wants to talk to you alone, Booth.” And Booth says, “He asked for you, too.” And that’s the end of the page.

I was speculating with Hannah last night and she wondered if Jared isn’t thinking about getting engaged to this woman.  It’s definitely possible, and then we see Booth put the stops on it when he looks her up in the system and finds out she, I don’t know, smuggled drugs into the country or something, but got off by making a deal with the prosecutors to turn in the king of her cartel.

What’s really interesting, though, is that Jared wants to speak with Booth and Brennan privately at the end, there.  Not just Booth–Booth and Brennan.  Could he be telling them to stop meddling in his personal affairs when they can’t even figure out  their own hot mess of a relationship?

Brennan isn’t present when Booth meets Padme, nor is she around when Booth and Jared argue on page 40.  So it’s reasonable to assume that Jared wants Brennan there because what he has to say is in some part about Brennan.  (Or he could just want a witness for the smackdown he’s preparing to give Booth.)

Thoughts? Predictions?

As far as the X-Files movie I’d like to do next, if we get a chance to do it, would be a return to the heart and soul of the mythology, which is the alien-oriented conspiracy. I think it’s natural for The X-Files to have another movie in 2012, so we’ll see if we get to do it.

This makes me simultaneously happy and also angry.

Happy because HELLS TO THE YES. Even though I am basically convinced that the Cigarette Smoking Man’s prophecy about the Mayans predicting the alien invasion and we’re all going to be killed at the hands of extraterrestrials the day after my 26^th birthday, I could totally get behind a movie about the subject. And not just because you KNOW that Scully and Mulder would totally find a way to STOP the alien invasion and then I wouldn’t have to live in constant fear of having my face pulled apart by little pinchers or being infected with the black oil or having my arms cut off or being physically bested by a supersoldier or having all of my orifices sealed off or any of the other terrifying capabilities that the X-Files aliens have had throughout the years.

And angry because they kind of screwed the pooch on the whole “let’s make an epic X-Files movie.” Because the second movie SUCKED.

I’m sorry, but it did, and you know it.

They should have made an epic alien movie the first time 20^th Century Fox gave Chris Carter the go-ahead to revisit the series.  But it was poorly marketed, got bad reviews, and barely turned a profit.  There’s basically no reason at all why Fox would want to greenlight a third movie.

I said the first time around that to make money off of The X-Files, all you have to do is make a movie that nerdfaces like me are going to go see three times and then buy the DVD.  You just have to sell it to the nerds—I mean, look at Star Trek, for crying out loud.  Do you think J.J. Abrams went into those meetings and was like, “Yeah, we’re going to make a standalone Star Trek movie that has no effect on the canon whatsoever and pays no attention to the years and years of backstory that’s been written for these characters”? Hell no, he didn’t do that. Sure, it had its devices to bring in new audiences, and technically it did dispense with a lot of the canon, but it was still true to the heart of the series.  I Want to Believe wasn’t.

Why the producers and the writers decided to make an X-Files movie without aliens is just so beyond me it’s not even funny.

It’s really not funny.

So when they say they want to do a mytharc movie for 2012, I’m glad that they realize the potential there, but I’m also frustrated by the fact that they didn’t just make this movie the first time around.

Because, yeah, what I want to see is Mulder and Scully kicking alien ass and taking alien names.  I want explosions and government conspiracy and unmarked tanker trunks and scenes that take place ON A SPACESHIP and all of those things that kept this freaking show on the air for nine seasons.

A car chase wouldn’t be bad either.