First and foremost, my question is–why would Thorpe set about blackmailing Chuck in the first place when he knew that he himself started the fire? Why call attention to your crime? I don’t get it. But being a Gossip Girl fan for the well-orchestrated corporate scheming would be like watching Glee for the Finn Hudson character development.

Anyway, Blair needs rescuing. Promos suggest this is an endeavor being undertaken by two camps: one run by soggy toast Prince Louis of Monaco and the other by known grossface Chuck Bass. I have to say, the promotional material for this episode certainly make it look like an opportunity for Chuck to redeem himself. Let’s face it–even if you love Chuck, you have to admit he’s been thoroughly disgusting in the last few episodes. I’ve never been a big fan of Chuck, but I really don’t understand the fangirls who continue to aggressively ship Chuck/Blair, even after he traded her for a hotel and, more recently, punched a window by her face. I was absolutely appalled by executive producer Josh Safran’s assertion that Chuck was not abusing Blair when he DREW BLOOD FROM HER FACE IN A VIOLENT OUTBURST OF RAGE. Said Safran:

I do not believe—or I should say we do not believe—that it is abuse when it’s the two of them. Chuck does not try to hurt Blair. He punches the glass because he has rage, but he has never, and will never, hurt Blair.

Eww. And eww to E! for not challenging that.

So things can only be looking up for Mr. Bass, but this viewer thinks he should be out of chances with Ms. Waldorf. Even if he redeems himself in any way in tonight’s finale, I think it’s time for Blair to cut her losses. But does that mean she should stay with Louis?

Um, definitely not. Louis has never been portrayed as a desirable match for Blair. He’s a lameass loser and no one needs him, even if marrying him comes with a palace and a title. No one wants to see Queen B marry for anything less than love AND money. So does this mean I think/hope that Blair will end tonight’s episode single and alone?

Um, definitely not. I would not at all be surprised to see known scrapper and Brooklynite Dan Humphrey lead the charge on Team #3 and ultimately rescue Blair. It’ll be one of those situations where Chuck is trying to blackmail people in the middle of the night for leads on Thorpe’s whereabouts, Louis is trying to pay people off while simultaneously avoiding trouble, and Dan just, like, figures it out. Blair is surprised and grateful … and so are we.

Ultimately, I just feel like there was SO much buildup for Dan/Blair that fizzled unrealistically quickly. And while the Chuck/Blair fans will surely point to that as a reason why Dan and Blair have zero chemistry and CLEARLY didn’t want to be together, I’m officially arguing that it was the writers punting that pairing … and setting up a season finale hookup.

Also on the table is the return of expert liar Georgina Sparks, coming back to perform God knows what kind of malarkey. It’s also the last episode for Jessica Szohr (Vanessa) and Taylor Momsen (Jenny) as series regulars–I’ll pause for a silent cry–and one can only hope their exit is either (A) not at all acknowledged and they just disappear from the time-space continuum or (B) centered around an elaborately executed helicopter accident.

Now, my interest in Gossip Girl ebbs and flows. Some storylines are better than others, and this show’s “better” side is pretty heavily weighted toward its earlier seasons. This season, I feel like I’ve been watching out of obligation, and because, despite not enjoying it week-to-week, I still want to know what’s going to happen.

Last week’s finale brought big twists to both this season’s high point and its low point.

Let’s talk about the high point first.

Dan and Blair took a tentative step forward in their awkward little courtship, sealing weeks of tip-toeing with a kiss. Now, everything in the rumor mill indicates that Dan and Blair will not, in fact, be headed toward coupledom, but rather that she’ll be back in Chuck’s smarmy arms by season’s end.

To which I say … WHY?

I know the vast majority of Gossip Girl fans are Chuck/Blair fans, but COME ON. That guy is a bad boyfriend, a bad son/brother/friend, and, YEAH, I’LL GO THERE, a bad businessman. Just because Blair humanizes him a weensy smidge doesn’t mean she should tie herself to that self-pitying fail train for the rest of her life. Blair, unlike Mr. Bass, is awesome. She has marketable skills that go far beyond her trust fund, and her schemes aren’t usually as blatantly evil as Chuck’s–although I’ll admit she has her moments.

But Dan–DAN!–is actually a decent human being. Since season one, he’s been the most relatable character on the show. Sure, he’s gotten carried away in the drama from time to time, but who wouldn’t? My point being, Dan and Blair are the two most likeable characters on a show of wholly unlikeable characters. So they should cut their losses and get out of there–live an expat life in Paris and revel in a relationship that’s not based on a mutual love of scheming or confuddled by the fact that they’re also step-siblings. (Now there’s a spinoff I would actually watch.)

On the flipside, we had to deal with the ongoing drama surrounding Serena, Lily, Chuck, Raina, Raina’s dad, and Ben. The allegiances here are so confusing–and so ever-changing–that I stopped caring about this storyline weeks ago. The bottom line is that Ben, brother of Juliet and recently exonerated felon, is gone, and hopefully for good. Not only was he complicating an already-difficult story, but he was not nearly good-looking enough to seriously date Serena van der Woodsen.

As for Lily possibly heading to the slammer after confessing her sins (which were, I believe, concocting a story about Ben, drugs, and statutory rape to protect Serena) to the ADA, let’s face it–she’ll be fine. While I wouldn’t be surprised if she did serve some time, she’ll be out and back to normal lickety-split. Lily van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey has UES parties to throw, y’all, and not even a jail sentence is going to hold her back from that.

All in all, not a whole lot to get excited about going into the last few spring episodes. But, of course, Gossip Girl brings nothing if not surprises, so my fingers are crossed.

i don't know what's happening here, but i like it. // the cw promotional photo

If you had asked me two weeks ago how I felt about the possibility that Gossip Girl would hook up Dan and Blair, I would’ve spit on you.

After last night’s episode, however? Sign me up.

I’ve been patiently waiting for Dan and Serena to get their acts together since season one, and maybe there will always be a part of this Gossip Girl fan who’s waiting for that hookup. (Makes sense, since last night’s episode only fanned the flames of Dan/Serena inevitability.) But the fact is, things haven’t been the same since they became step-siblings, and they’ve both done some pretty shady crap this season.

Remember when Dan was raising known whore Georgina’s baby as his own without requesting a paternity test? Remember when Serena was orchestrating her own love triangle with Dan and Nate?

She’s been a pretty big bitch this season, especially toward Dan. Last night, she stood him up and then dragged him to the Spin City guy’s party, making him miss potential work opportunities not once, but TWICE. And then she never even really apologized! That makes Dan a sweetheart, but it also makes him pathetic.

Remember back in the Classic Gossip Girl days when Dan was snarky and Brooklynish and way cooler than all those Upper-East-Siders?

Well, that guy seems to come out to play when he’s around Blair Waldorf, and I like it.

See, we’ve always known that Blair and Dan despise each other, but they’ve never actively engaged in a war (or an alliance) until very recently. They’ve hated each other from across rooms, while competing for Serena’s attention or lobbying for what they felt were her best interests. I can’t remember any major storylines that those two have shared.

Executive Producer Stephanie Savage told Ausiello:

We were inspired a lot by ’30s and ’40s screwball comedies, like The Philadelphia Story with Katharine Hepburn and Jimmy Stewart. You basically have two people that hate each other but are smart enough to enjoy each other’s banter.

When you think about it, Dan and Blair are definitely the smartest cookies on that show. Because of their wit, and because of the fact that this is a dynamic the show hasn’t really delved into yet, this storyline is by far the freshest Gossip Girl has had all season.

Ausiello asked Savage what to make of the fact that certain viewers (read: aggressive Chuck/Blair fangirls) would not approve. “I would say that those issues that fans are struggling with are the exactly the same issues they’ll see Dan and Blair struggling with,” she says. “There’s a lot of ambivalence and even revulsion on their part.”

See, this is why the idea is great. Because Dan and Blair are never going to let their guards down. Or stop trading barbs. But it’s possible they’ll have hot hate sex, and I support that.

Hey, it’s what Gossip Girl does best, isn’t it?

In this sneak peek from next week’s Gossip Girl, Tim Gunn takes a look at Jenny Humphrey’s resume, and his reaction is a bit of a mixed bag for Little J. On the one hand, he’s impressed: loves Eleanor Waldorf, calls Jenny’s line “bold,” and admires her tenacity. On the other hand, he makes that face that only Tim Gunn can make, where he’s being polite but you can totally tell he’s judging her.

The best part is that you know he’s not acting, because while filming this cameo, Tim couldn’t, ahem, make it work with Taylor Momsen, and ended up bitching about her IN THE PRESS.

“”What a diva! She was pathetic, she couldn’t remember her lines, and she didn’t even have that many. I thought to myself ‘why are we all being held hostage by this brat?’”

Timothy, I ask myself that question every time this girl reappears on Gossip Girl.

Congratulations, Vanessa. You’ve been knocked off the top of the Who Should Get Killed Off Gossip Girl list.

I’m just waiting for the drug-fueled bus accident/fire/hotel window mishap.

that cane is out of CONTROL. // the cw promotional photo

I never would have used the word realistic to describe Gossip Girl, but this season is seriously taking the cake for Craziest Ridiculous Nonsense Ever. Major spoilers for episodes four and five after the jump.

Shocker! Baby Milo isn’t Dan’s! And by “Shocker,” I mean, “Effing Duh.” Here’s the thing. Dan is a smart kid, who has a good relationship with his father. It is RIDICULOUS to believe that Georgina Sparks would show up claiming to be pregnant with his kid, when she is a KNOWN LIAR AND A KNOWN SLUT, and that Dan would just go along with it. No! He would’ve called Rufus, who would’ve been REASONABLE about the situation and helped him figure it out. Like, I thought that was the first rule of Gossip Girl: you don’t trust Georgina.

Dan is still in love with Serena, and was planning to follow her to Paris before Georgina showed up. Daniel Humphrey, you are so dumb. This is even MORE reason why you should have dealt with the Pregnant Georgina situation rationally–you could’ve spent the summer romancing Serena in Paris, but instead you spent it taking care of a baby that wasn’t even YOURS. You should lose your scholarship over that one.

Dan and Vanessa break up for good in episode five. Hallelujah. Good life choice, guys! This is pretty much the only thing I approve of right now.

Blair tries to frame Eva/Fleur Delacour for something. CHUCK DECLARES WAR ON BLAIR. Nonsense. Although I will say–this is promising. Chuck and Blair are at their best when they are at war with each other.

Blair still loves Chuck (duh), but she can’t forgive him for the Jenny Humphrey sex disaster. Another good life choice, this time from Blair. Although we all know you will eventually forgive him, let’s hope you never end your war against Little J. That girl deserves it.

[Source: SpoilerTV.]

i pity blair sometimes, too, serena. // the cw promotional photo

Monday’s premiere of Gossip Girl was, much like Serena and Blair’s Parisian summer, part sizzle, part fizzle.

The dialogue was classic Gossip Girl–rapid-fire, filled with pop culture references, and altogether smart. But the plot choices they’ve set up are, frankly, super-confusing.

Chuck’s in Paris (Prague?) with Fleur Delacour, calling himself Henry and having gotten himself shot. The French girl nursed him back to health in her low-budget apartment, so he’s okay, but Lily’s getting voicemails from European officials claiming that Chuck’s body just washed ashore. I guess this is supposed to be the BIG MYSTERY of the season, but I’m just not buying it. Chuck’s always been my second-to-least-favorite character (Vanessa–::shudders::), and the only time I’ve been able to tolerate him is when he’s with Blair. So, for all I care, his body could have actually just washed ashore on a beach and I would’ve been just as happy.

Nate’s dating a pyscho stalker, maybe. Katie Cassidy’s on board as Juliet, a cute, flirty girl who’s got mysterious intentions and a wall covered in pictures and information about the Upper East Siders. My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that this girl is THE Gossip Girl; I wasn’t the only one, because producers quickly dismissed those rumors. (Ugh–that would’ve been a way better storyline.)

Dan’s co-parenting with Georgina. WHAT. He says she’s been totally normal and cool, that he trusts her when she says the baby is his, and I’m just, like … why? Dan’s supposed to be this super-smart broody boy, and yet he’s just willing to trust this crazy nutjob, who’s done nothing but lie for the last three seasons? I mean, she is literally the most untrustworthy character on this show, which is really saying something. This entire plotline makes no logistical sense, and I feel sorry for that little baby who has to grow up with Georgina as a mom, especially once Dan figures it out and gets rid of her sorry ass.

And, finally, perhaps the most bizarre thing going on here–the singer Robyn is supposedly guest-starring in an October episode that involves Blair’s birthday party. Now, I’ll admit to not being as up on my pop music as I am on my television, but has Robyn really been relevant in this country since her 1997 hit “Show Me Love”?

in my fantasies, anna espinosa kills vanessa using only the cranberry sauce. // the cw promotional photo

Kristin dos Santos has some new scoops on the couples of Gossip Girl, and I, for one, am so not amused.  It’s going to be an excruciating few months over there, and I just … ugh. Spoilers and whining under the cut.Says E! Online’s spoiler source:

According to sources, Dan and Vanessa are most definitely on. They will be getting together this season.

Ditto Nate and Serena, who will become a bona fide couple.

Rufus and Lily will have a major problem (Serena’s father).

And Chuck and Blair will be going strong.

Okay, Chuck and Blair–I’m glad that’s working out.  They’re still as interesting to me as they’ve always been, which is not that much.  I think Chuck is one of the most deplorable characters ever on television (I know, that’s an unpopular opinion), but Blair is just so wonderful that I’ll allow her to do whatever she wants to do.  If she wants to stay with Chuck, then she should.  You go, girl.

Rufus and Lily having drama is getting old, but I must say that the whole Serena’s father thing is kind of an interesting storyline.  The only bummer is that I’m sure this will involve both over-40′s characters acting like babies, which is always hard to take.

Now, since the show began, I’ve been firmly in the Dan/Serena camp, so it always pains me a little to see either one hooking up with someone else.  That said, I’ve been enjoying political sex scandal Serena–and what’s that’s been doing to Nate.  Nate and Vanessa have always seemed like tangential characters to the whole series–particularly after Nate and Blair broke up in season one–but I actually like Nate’s character and enjoy seeing him get meaty storylines.  So I’m pseudo-okay with Nate and Serena hooking up for a while.

But … I effing DESPISE Vanessa.  I think she’s one of the most poorly written, poorly portrayed characters EVER, and I wish she would just get hit by a bus.  So I especially don’t want to see her moving in on Dan Humphrey, who clearly has his faults but who deep down is a good guy.  Let’s hope these two can get it out of their systems and move on.  Notice, “move on” for Dan means “find someone else who’s actually awesome.”  For Vanessa, “move on” means “die a slow and painful death.”

Awesome.

little babies! // startraks

Matthew Settle and Kelly Rutherford took their daughters (Matthew’s is Aven; Kelly’s is Helena) to a pumpkin patch in New York yesterday. How long until their Gossip Girl characters can have their own baby girl? First of all, they need to level the score (between the two of them they’ve got three boys and two girls). And second of all, they’re the only characters on that show who are of babymaking age–and they need to give Rufus and Lily a story beyond being Dan and Serena’s parents. And you know I love babies like it’s my job.

gross // the cw promotional photo

SpoilerTV thinks they’ve deduced a big Gossip Girl spoiler, and it’s pretty eww. Spoilers after the jump.

I think everyone can see this threesome storyline for what it is–a ratings ploy and a “look how far we’ll push the envelope” stunt.  (See also: Chuck’s guy-on-guy kiss next week.)

Using their deduction powers on a handful of tease-y articles about the threesome, SpoilerTV has narrowed it down to Dan/Olivia/Vanessa.  And can I please just say–eww.

First of all, everything Vanessa does is gross. She is my number one Character Who Should Get Hit By a Bus. She’s totally useless, always a third character in scenes that only really require two. (Look! Third threesome wheel! Seriously!) If she comes out of this threesome with THE FEELINGS FOR DAN (again), I will seriously hire a hit man for Vanessa Abrams.

Beyond that, I just really don’t like how Dan is so squeaky-clean most of the time and then he just EXPLODES in an epic pile of crazybrain. Remember how he hooked up with Rachel the Teacher last year? At least Chuck Bass is consistently disgusting. Plus, we all know that Dan’s eventually going to end up back with Serena (Right? Right!?!), and we all know that Hilary Duff is only around for a certain number of episodes, so why push this nonsense when it’s clearly not going anywhere? Whereas character development on most shows looks more or less like an line with a positive slope (perhaps with a few dips where they hook up with an ex or kill their father or something), Gossip Girl‘s characters don’t change over time.  If I drew a chart, it would look like a heartrate monitor–spiking at particular storyline points, but always reverting back to where it started.

Also, I just really don’t want to see that.

tyra & serena are totally bff // the cw promotional photo

I can suspend my disbelief for Gossip Girl, but this is getting a little ridiculous.  In last night’s episode, Hilary Duff’s character, starlet-come-NYU newcomer Olivia, was randomly assigned to live with Vanessa, randomly struck up a flirtation with Dan, and randomly sat one table away from Serena at a restaurant.  I know social circles are smaller when you’re wealthy, but NYU is a big school and New York City is a big city.  While it was definitely convenient for Olivia to integrate herself into different facets of the Gossip Girl scene so quickly, it doesn’t exactly seem realistic.  So I’m calling blue snakes on this one, which was my sister’s and my code word for bullshit as tweens–look, I even gave it its own tag.

Also, just saying, Tyra Banks is actually a better actress than Hilary Duff.  (That’s not really that big of a compliment.)