in my fantasies, anna espinosa kills vanessa using only the cranberry sauce. // the cw promotional photo

Kristin dos Santos has some new scoops on the couples of Gossip Girl, and I, for one, am so not amused.  It’s going to be an excruciating few months over there, and I just … ugh. Spoilers and whining under the cut.Says E! Online’s spoiler source:

According to sources, Dan and Vanessa are most definitely on. They will be getting together this season.

Ditto Nate and Serena, who will become a bona fide couple.

Rufus and Lily will have a major problem (Serena’s father).

And Chuck and Blair will be going strong.

Okay, Chuck and Blair–I’m glad that’s working out.  They’re still as interesting to me as they’ve always been, which is not that much.  I think Chuck is one of the most deplorable characters ever on television (I know, that’s an unpopular opinion), but Blair is just so wonderful that I’ll allow her to do whatever she wants to do.  If she wants to stay with Chuck, then she should.  You go, girl.

Rufus and Lily having drama is getting old, but I must say that the whole Serena’s father thing is kind of an interesting storyline.  The only bummer is that I’m sure this will involve both over-40′s characters acting like babies, which is always hard to take.

Now, since the show began, I’ve been firmly in the Dan/Serena camp, so it always pains me a little to see either one hooking up with someone else.  That said, I’ve been enjoying political sex scandal Serena–and what’s that’s been doing to Nate.  Nate and Vanessa have always seemed like tangential characters to the whole series–particularly after Nate and Blair broke up in season one–but I actually like Nate’s character and enjoy seeing him get meaty storylines.  So I’m pseudo-okay with Nate and Serena hooking up for a while.

But … I effing DESPISE Vanessa.  I think she’s one of the most poorly written, poorly portrayed characters EVER, and I wish she would just get hit by a bus.  So I especially don’t want to see her moving in on Dan Humphrey, who clearly has his faults but who deep down is a good guy.  Let’s hope these two can get it out of their systems and move on.  Notice, “move on” for Dan means “find someone else who’s actually awesome.”  For Vanessa, “move on” means “die a slow and painful death.”

Awesome.

little babies! // startraks

Matthew Settle and Kelly Rutherford took their daughters (Matthew’s is Aven; Kelly’s is Helena) to a pumpkin patch in New York yesterday. How long until their Gossip Girl characters can have their own baby girl? First of all, they need to level the score (between the two of them they’ve got three boys and two girls). And second of all, they’re the only characters on that show who are of babymaking age–and they need to give Rufus and Lily a story beyond being Dan and Serena’s parents. And you know I love babies like it’s my job.

gross // the cw promotional photo

SpoilerTV thinks they’ve deduced a big Gossip Girl spoiler, and it’s pretty eww. Spoilers after the jump.

I think everyone can see this threesome storyline for what it is–a ratings ploy and a “look how far we’ll push the envelope” stunt.  (See also: Chuck’s guy-on-guy kiss next week.)

Using their deduction powers on a handful of tease-y articles about the threesome, SpoilerTV has narrowed it down to Dan/Olivia/Vanessa.  And can I please just say–eww.

First of all, everything Vanessa does is gross. She is my number one Character Who Should Get Hit By a Bus. She’s totally useless, always a third character in scenes that only really require two. (Look! Third threesome wheel! Seriously!) If she comes out of this threesome with THE FEELINGS FOR DAN (again), I will seriously hire a hit man for Vanessa Abrams.

Beyond that, I just really don’t like how Dan is so squeaky-clean most of the time and then he just EXPLODES in an epic pile of crazybrain. Remember how he hooked up with Rachel the Teacher last year? At least Chuck Bass is consistently disgusting. Plus, we all know that Dan’s eventually going to end up back with Serena (Right? Right!?!), and we all know that Hilary Duff is only around for a certain number of episodes, so why push this nonsense when it’s clearly not going anywhere? Whereas character development on most shows looks more or less like an line with a positive slope (perhaps with a few dips where they hook up with an ex or kill their father or something), Gossip Girl‘s characters don’t change over time.  If I drew a chart, it would look like a heartrate monitor–spiking at particular storyline points, but always reverting back to where it started.

Also, I just really don’t want to see that.

tyra & serena are totally bff // the cw promotional photo

I can suspend my disbelief for Gossip Girl, but this is getting a little ridiculous.  In last night’s episode, Hilary Duff’s character, starlet-come-NYU newcomer Olivia, was randomly assigned to live with Vanessa, randomly struck up a flirtation with Dan, and randomly sat one table away from Serena at a restaurant.  I know social circles are smaller when you’re wealthy, but NYU is a big school and New York City is a big city.  While it was definitely convenient for Olivia to integrate herself into different facets of the Gossip Girl scene so quickly, it doesn’t exactly seem realistic.  So I’m calling blue snakes on this one, which was my sister’s and my code word for bullshit as tweens–look, I even gave it its own tag.

Also, just saying, Tyra Banks is actually a better actress than Hilary Duff.  (That’s not really that big of a compliment.)