just please don't be gross. // fox promotional photo

By now you’ve likely heard the news that Idina Menzel is returning to Glee next season for a major story arc that will find her Shelby Corcoran joining the McKinley High faculty. I have mixed feelings about this, so let’s talk about it in terms of pros and cons, shall we?

Pro: She’s Idina. That’s never a bad thing. Mrs. Diggs is arguably the best singer Glee has managed to snag, and if this means more songs for my “Idina Belters” playlist, I’m on board.

Con: Ryan Murphy JUST SAID that there would be no major guest stars this season. This guy can’t even keep his story straight between an interview he gives and … the very next interview he gives.

Pro: She could bring a juicy storyline for Quinn. As the mom of Puck and Quinn’s biological daughter, Beth, Idina has some drama on her back. I’d love to see how Quinn and Shelby interact on a regular basis, or what a Quinn/Beth reunion looks like. Giving Dianna Agron anything more to work with than “Sam, Finn, or Puck?” gets my vote.

Con: If she recomplicates things between Will and Emma, I will stage a coup.

Pro: They want to bring her on for a STORYLINE. That means … this season … they want to have … STORYLINES. PRO PRO PRO PRO PRO.

Con: Why would she take a job at McKinley, knowing she has baggage there with Quinn, Will, and Rachel? It’s actually a little mean. If you were Quinn, would you want to see Shelby every day? Would you want to have to follow her directions? If you were Rachel?

Pro: CAN SHE STAY FOREVER? The fact that she has history (strong, painful, complicated history) with so many characters gives the writers a lot to work with. A lot more than they gave themselves in season two.

Con: Who’s she going to play? A second Glee coach? Or just a French teacher who backseat drives the Glee club?

Pro: It’ll be just like Rachel wanted, when she said, “You and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We’d be unstoppable. There’s so much that you can teach me—so much only you can teach me.” Actually, it’d be great to see someone a with a little bite challenge Schue’s direction. Somebody needs to turn these kittens into champions, and it’s either Shelby Corcoran or that woman from Dance Moms.

Con: I’m done with cons. I’m excited.

even jenna fischer believes jim and pam have become boring and sexless. // nbc promotional photo

Jenna Fischer told New York Magazine this week that her real-life pregnancy will be written in to The Office. I guess they heard all my griping about James Spader and figured they needed to find a way to keep me invested.

Said Fischer, “Pam will be pregnant when the season starts. Pam and Jim snuck away last season on Valentine’s Day, and they had sex. The story is that they conceived this baby at that time and were keeping it a secret until we come back from the summer.”

Couple thoughts:

1. Does Jenna really believe that Pam and Jim have sex so infrequently that it’s a good thing the writers made such a blatant insinuation in “PDA”? That’s cold.
2. There’s really no reason NOT to write in the pregnancy. Pam and Jim are happy, they’ve already done the first baby storyline (meaning #2 will be even LESS of a burden than Cece), and it’s the best excuse for sending Jenna on her real maternity leave. Also, BABIES!!!!!!!
3. It actually could be pretty funny. Remember that the Cece news was big enough to merit taking The Office’s cliffhanger spot in 2009. #2 is the afterthought. Also, after how big of a deal the whole unplanned pregnancy thing was, it’s hilarious that Pam got pregnant less than a year after the first one was born. And likely accidentally, once more.
4. Please don’t let Jenna name this one.

don't you see what this means, rachel? it means you get to go to college! // fox promotional photo

Consider me shocked. Glee executive producer Ryan Murphy told The Hollywood Reporter last night that New Directions stalwarts Rachel, Finn, and Kurt are not going to be back at all for Season 4.

Sure, he’s been saying they’ll graduate for weeks, but I was skeptical that this would mean cutting ties with the lead cast, particularly Lea Michele. When you’ve got those vocal cords under a seven-year contract, I’m sure your instinct is to hold on tight. The decision to cut these actors loose—lest you end up employing actors 30+ to play seventh-year seniors—is perhaps the riskiest plot move that Ryan Murphy has ever made on this show.

It underscores an early mistake that he made in creating Glee: writing an entire show about a group of sophomores. As it stands, Ryan Murphy is going to be relying heavily on new characters in season four. (Is this all just a ploy to make us care more about The Glee Project, perhaps?) He’s put himself in a huge bind for this year, as he takes on the task of introducing and endearing us to new kids, at the same time as he tries to successfully send off the seniors we know. Considering how season two went, I can’t say I’m optimistic. Thank Cheesus he bit the bullet and hired help.

This could mean good things for my favorite Glee character (Emma), who’ll be some of the only institutional memory left at McKinley after season three. For the departing seniors, it means that Rachel and Kurt will hopefully get to live out their Big Apple dreams. For Finn, well, I just figured he’d settle down in Lima and get a job at Sheets ‘n’ Things or Emerald Dreams.

It’s good news for Lea Michele, who will undoubtedly have many, many career opportunities post-Glee. Chris Colfer has probably been pigeonholed as Kurt, but his recent portfolio diversification (kids TV series, films, etc.) will help him stay relevant. Cory Monteith, it was nice knowing you.

you're doing what now? // abc promotional photo

Patrick Dempsey announced to Italian Vanity Fair (great scoop, Italian Vanity Fair! Quotes are translated into English on TVLine) that he will be leaving Grey’s Anatomy after next season, his eighth. Dempsey’s departure could mark the beginning of the end for many more of the show’s core cast members, as the initial crew of Seattle Gracers all have contracts that expire next year. Ellen Pompeo, Meredith Grey herself, has expressed an interest in possibly leaving the show, as well, and plenty of insiders speculate that the show would shift focus toward (gag me) Lexie Grey in order to maintain its title with dignity.

While Shonda Rhimes doesn’t seem to be sweating the likelihood that the actors who made her a rich, rich lady could be deserting the series, this writer certainly is.

Let’s just put it this way: If Patrick Dempsey and Ellen Pompeo leave Grey’s Anatomy, there will be no reason for me to continue to watch, and I will move on with my life.

If Dempsey leaves and Pompeo stays? I will revolt.

It’s an outcome I refuse to even dignify with a speculative post.

Eh, what the hell.

The problem is this: they are married and they are (at least now) longtime Seattle residents. They have a home now, and a child. If Justin Chambers decides not to renew his contract, it’s easy to envision him picking up and moving to Africa to take care of sick babies. And while Izzie and Burke could just pick up their crappy little lives and move to … wherever they moved to … Derek and Meredith have ties. It would be very strange for them to decide to move their family to some other part of the country … but perhaps even stranger for them to continue to live in Seattle without working at Seattle Grace or  interacting with the rest of the cast.

It’s a strange little box that Rhimes will have to write her way out of.

More terrifying is the possibility that they will leave at different times. What happens to Zola in that situation? Would Rhimes have the audacity to split them up? To kill one of them? Or would she resort to Meredith talking about her husband but never actually interacting with him onscreen?

What I would propose in this situation is what one might call a “Reverse Doug and Carol.”

Maybe Derek ends up making a deal with the hospital and the trial review board to keep the study-fudging under wraps in exchange for moving away. He moves to Chicago ahead of Meredith, who has to stay for whatever reason. Finally, when Pompeo’s contract is up, Meredith CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE and flies there to be with Derek. She sends for tiny Zola the next day and, for the next nineteen seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, we hear stories about how happy they are. Let’s hope it never comes to that.

In all seriousness, Grey’s is likely facing a mass exodus of main characters next season. I’m not staunchly anti-Lexie, but I also have serious doubts that the character is interesting enough to center the series around. Even if you are enamored of the newer characters (Lexie, Arizona, Hunt, etc.), the originals still dominate a lot of the storytelling, and if Dempsey, Pompeo, Sandra Oh, Justin Chambers, Chandra Wilson, and James Pickens, Jr. all leave, the absence will be palpable. (Well, maybe not Pickens. I wouldn’t miss the Chief at all.)

oh, tammy 2. it's hard to even fathom your predecessor. // nbc promotional photo

I’ll go into detail about the season finale of Parks and Recreation later this week, but today I want to focus on one question that’s been on my mind since last Thursday. Nope, not “What’s gonna happen to Ben and Leslie??!?!” I am desperate to find out who’s going to play Tammy 1.

And I’ve got a few suggestions.

My ideal candidate for Tammy 1, and the human being who should act as the model for the character, is Elisabeth Hasselbeck, co-host of The View and known crazy. Ron would have been drawn to her conservative values and her sassy attitude, but would ultimately have run away in fear. She’d be a different kind of crazy than Tammy 2, but nonetheless terrifying.

Problem is, we all know that’s not actually possible. Even though Hasselbeck’s View co-host Sherri Shepherd moonlights as Tracy Jordan’s wife, Angie, on 30 Rock, a similar night job isn’t feasible here. For one, 30 Rock films in New York, as does The View; Parks and Recreation films in Los Angeles. Sherri Shepherd has a sense of humor and a comedy/acting background; Hasselbeck’s history is as a contestant on Survivor.

But using her as a guidepost, I started thinking about other women who could play a character like that. I also factored in that she should probably be very different from Tammy 2; ergo, as Tammy 2 wields her power over Ron in a very sexual way, I imagine that Tammy 1 is a frigid, withholding ice queen. Nicole Kidman comes to mind, but I assume she’s busy. Anyway, here are my real ideas.

Lisa Kudrow. Although she played the more-or-less carefree Phoebe for ten seasons on Friends, it’s her role as Valerie Cherish on The Comeback that proves she can play an edgy kind of crazy. You can imagine her going toe-to-toe with Ron on sexual and community matters. Plus, considering that Kudrow and Megan Mullally were Thursday night tentpoles on NBC for years, it’d be fun to see them together as mortal enemies.

Judy Greer. Epic Flail loves her. She deserves so much better than, like, the last three shows she’s been on. Her style and sense of humor is a perfect fit for Parks and Rec; I actually just IMDb’ed her to make sure she hadn’t already been on. (Don’t worry. She hasn’t.) She, too, can toe the line between sweet and insane, and I feel like she’d just be really fun to watch. To be honest, I think she should just be on this show all the time. For all I care, she can play Ann.

Connie Britton. She hasn’t done a sitcom since Spin City, and she’s gearing up to do Ryan Murphy’s F/X pilot because no one ever listens to me, but I wonder if she’d have time to pop over and guest on Parks and Rec. She definitely has the school principal attitude down, and you get the idea that she wouldn’t be nearly as patient with Ron Swanson as she is with Coach Taylor. Actually, you know what? Can we just have a crossover situation next season, where the Taylors move to Pawnee for a job coaching high school football? (That whole Braemore College thing didn’t quite work out, I guess.) And the football team is so poor that they have to play on a public field, which means LOTS of liaising with the Parks Department. You’re welcome, Michael Schur.

Hear me out on this one. Jennifer Garner. She takes those kids to school, like, every day, so I know she’s not busy. She could just pop over, film some scenes, and be home in time to take Violet to the petting zoo. Also, she and Rob Lowe co-starred in 2009’s The Invention of Lying, so obviously they are best friends, and all it will take is for him to call her up and she’ll agree to do it. (Right?) It’d be a pretty obvious act of stunt casting, but I would still approve. Acting-wise, she can totally handle this. She has the polite demeanor of a public school teacher, but at the end of the day, she will mess you up. Double points if they somehow work in a martial arts background. Quadruple points if they can reference this finale cliffhanger from Alias:

And my fury was replaced with adoration and, well, glee. Because just as Brittany S. Pearce’s favorite things are hot cheese and talking to people, my two favorite things are Brittany S. Pearce and gossip about Mr. Kidney, the janitor.

I hope to goodness that “Fondue for Two” becomes a recurring bit on this series, because I have no complaints about Brittany’s Internet talk show. Everything about it (the “hot dish,” the host spilling more gossip than the guests, and, of course, Lord Tubbington the Atkins cat) is clever and funny.

Now, shall we discuss my feelings of fury?

Here is what I’ve realized about Glee. Imagine you are in high school, and you suddenly become super-popular. The prom is coming up, and you were pretty bummed about having to go by yourself, because no one asked you. Now, all of a sudden, boys are asking you to prom ALL OVER THE PLACE. They’re putting notes in your locker, sending you on cute little scavenger hunts, offering favors of the sexual and non-sexual varieties, all in the hopes of going to prom with YOU. And rather than choose one, someone who’ll be a good fit and match your dress and won’t pressure you into having sex if you don’t want to, you just say yes to all of them. And now you have fourteen dates to the senior prom and you have no idea what you’re going to do about that.

I mean, you are going to have to rent a party bus all by yourself, just to fit all of these boys.

Well, Ryan Murphy is that girl and Famous People are those boys. Ever since Glee became a hit, celebrities have started clamoring to be a part of it. And it is seriously holding the show back.

I love Kristin Chenoweth. I love her. I even love April Rhodes, the hot mess of a character she’s playing for the third time on tonight’s episode. But is now really the time to bring her back? Is she contributing anything to the show, beyond her fabulous set of pipes?

Plot-wise, WTF are they doing?

First of all, we know that they’ll bring her back into the fold in some ridiculous and moderately embarrassing way. It’ll be poorly written and overly convenient, but we’ll go along with that much. The real issue is — Will’s been making significant progress in the Not Being Such a Creeper category over the last few episodes. He’s really trying with Emma, and he hasn’t been sexually harassing the students nearly as much as he used to.

But now suddenly, Kristin’s schedule magically opened up for a few days of Fleetwood Mac, and Will’s forgotten (A) his grape-polishing promises to Emma, (B) how his relationship with Emma got squelched last time around, and (C) THAT YOU SHOULDN’T RUB UP AGAINST OTHER PEOPLE IN FRONT OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

Forgive me for being frustrated.

Last week’s episode of Glee featured no big name guest stars and was arguably the best episode of the season. The plots (and even the subplots!) were tight and coherent, the musical numbers contributed to the storytelling, and the character development actually made sense in the context of previous episodes. THIS is what Glee needs to be doing, not scrambling around a particularly shiny coup of stunt casting.

So please continue to bring back April Rhodes — when her appearance will matter to the storyline, not just when Kristin Chenoweth can fit you into her schedule. Also, more “Fondue for Two,” please.

In addition to previously-announced guest stars Ricky Gervais and Will Arnett, The Office has added James Spader, Ray Romano, and Catherine Tate to the season finale’s guest cast. While Spader and Romano obviously have long and storied histories on American television, Tate’s work is far more under the radar, far less mainstream, and decidedly British.

Across the pond, Tate is known for her sketch comedy series, The Catherine Tate Show, as well as a season as Donna Noble, Ten’s companion on Doctor Who. (She’s also an accomplished stage actress, who’s appearing this summer in Much Ado About Nothing opposite David Tennant.)

I had a good squealfest last night about this news, because, despite not knowing the role they’ve written for Tate or the direction the show wants to go in with a replacement for Michael, I can’t help but feel like she’s completely perfect for this job.

Tate is a brilliant comedian. As Donna, Tate was by far the funniest companion, but she also brought so much heart to Doctor Who. Unlike universe-crossing love interest Rose Tyler or whiny crush-harboring Martha Jones, Donna was the Doctor’s best friend without benefits or expectations, which gave the character altogether different and wonderful reasons for following the Doctor through space and time. Over the course of season four, Tate provided some of Doctor Who’s wittiest, quickest, and most touching moments. (She also figured out the whole TARDIS coral thing, so that Rose and Ten can build their own TARDIS, for which I am eternally grateful.)

She’d be an unexpected choice—and by far the least known actor in the running for the job—but, creatively, I think she’d be an amazing hire. With actors like James Spader and Will Arnett, you can pretty much count on what they’re bringing to the table. The Office at its best is understated and casual, not adjectives often used to describe either of these actors. And as TVLine pointed out, Romano is committed to TNT’s Men of a Certain Age, so it’s highly doubtful he’s on board for more than May’s finale. (Ditto for Arnett, who’s signed on to a pilot, and Gervais, who’s never been seen as a serious candidate for a full-time gig stateside, no matter how great that could be.)

Ultimately, these candidates could all be brought in for interviews in the season finale, and then Sabre could just choose to promote from within. But with such a huge change underfoot, I’m increasingly feeling like this is a huge opportunity to shake things up and introduce a completely new character who will really change the dynamic of the show—without changing the tone. And for that reason, I’m gunning for Catherine Tate.

(Bonus points if you make bringing in your own team a condition of taking the job. I have no idea if the Children of Time can sell paper, but they CAN stop the Daleks from destroying reality and fly the earth home in time for supper.)

the jacket's back. i should've known. // fox promotional photo

Emily Deschanel is pregnant. (Yay, squee, presents! Whitest baby ever!)

Let’s get to the goods. Will they write it into Bones? My short answer–no.

My long answer–here goes.

Exhibit A: They just spent a whole season on a baby storyline. They need time to rebound.

Exhibit B: The timing is pretty much perfect, with Deschanel due in September. My prediction is that they’ll film the finale, then go ahead and get a couple season seven episodes in the can before she gets very big. Then they can take a longer-than-usual hiatus, give her time to squeeze that sucker out, and get back to business by the fall.

Sidebar: So let’s talk about this possible scheduling scenario. If it goes down this way, the first season seven spoilers will roll in … pretty damn soon. They’d have to start writing the season premiere NOW.

Sidebar to the Sidebar: The bad news there is it doesn’t give them time to let viewers watch the finale, scream “WTF WERE YOU THINKING HAVING HANNAH COME BACK? DIDN’T WE TELL YOU WE HATE HER?”, and then reassess their plans for next year. (“Oh, you hate her? Never mind then. THAT WAS COMA DREAM, PART 2.”) They’ll have to go on gut instinct, and how far do you all trust that?

Exhibit C: Y’all don’t really want them to have a baby right now. Bones has jumped the shark more times than a professional shark-jumper, but getting Brennan crazypregnant with Booth’s baby in the finale would just be insane. Let’s assume, for argument’s sake, that they’re hooking up in the season finale. Don’t you want to see them as an awkward new couple? Trying to hide it from the rest of the team? Sneaking around, having first fights, saying their first “I love yous,” telling Parker, telling Max, telling Pops? Telling Sweets? (HOLY GOD, TELLING SWEETS.) You’d lose all that if they tried to compound it on top of a yearlong arc of Accidental First-Try Babymaking.

(PS, Bones–you’re welcome. I just gave you seven episodes worth of material. FYI, there’s more where that came from.)

Thing is, this HAS to be the end of the Will They Or Won’t They trail of fangirl tears. If this was season four, back when I was flailing over news of Brennan and Booth considering having a baby together, I would have DIED if real life had so beautifully coincided. (No, really. Defibrillation may have been required.) They would’ve been nearly FORCED to go along with my plan for season five–Booth and Brennan try to have a baby together platonically, with disastrously adorable and sexy results. But now? Y’all, they could ACTUALLY kiss this year, and you want to fast-forward to babies? I know that Hart Hanson makes fans feel like they’ll take anything they can get their hands on, but I have a feeling you don’t need to rush it anymore.

(This from someone who’s watched exactly two episodes this year and flailed over exactly zero.)

This is not to say that the show should be off the hook for giving them a baby eventually. One of these days, they’re gonna need a daughter.

The result was this retooling of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

As it came to a close, I thought to myself, “I could’ve come up with way better Dexterized lyrics to that beloved holiday jingle.” But those last few bars won me over. I laughed so hard I almost choked on my tears.

Thanks for sharing, John!