American Idol’s Bleep-Filled Shockfest. I kind of hate the American Idol results shows—they almost always feel like 57 minutes of filler before 3 minutes of actual tension and results. But last night’s show was different from start to finish, including a performance from my favoritey favorites, Sugarland. I could’ve had a great night just talking about Jennifer Nettles’s pants. But then with the extremely surprising announcement that Casey Abrams, long considered a front-runner (EW picked him to win the whole shebang), had been eliminated, the evening just went insane. From Randy Jackson stopping Casey mid-song to announce that the judges were saving him to Casey’s bleep-riddled relief, that was just GOOD TELEVISION. I make a point not to talk about reality television on this blog, but I’m not sure anyone could have scripted that five minutes any better.

Michael’s Proposal to Holly on The Office. God, that was so well-done. The show set that episode up to play out absolutely tragically. The somber moments about Holly’s family peppered throughout the episode (especially her poignant conversation with Phyllis about caring for aging parents) weighted the half-hour so heavily that it seemed Michael would completely botch the proposal by not picking up on his girlfriend’s pain and would end up ruining their relationship forever. Contributing to this set-up were the rumors we’d heard that Amy Ryan would (or wouldn’t or would or wouldn’t or would) be in one or any of Steve Carell’s final episodes. I felt a sad kind of fear throughout the episode, which was so nicely resolved by the sweet, realistic, dare I say beautiful final scene. He didn’t screw it up! She said YES! (Actually, she said, “Your wife becoming be will I.” Classic.) And the tension was broken with the announcement we’ve all known was coming—Michael is leaving. On his own terms, for the right reasons, the result of one good decision. Perfection.

Aaron Sorkin on 30 Rock. Oh, holy crackers. A walk-and-talk between Aaron Sorkin and Liz Lemon is something I did not know I needed before last night.

“You know my work,” he tells Liz. “I’m Aaron Sorkin—The West Wing, A Few Good Men, The Social Network…”

“Studio 60,” she interjects.

“Shut up.”

This one’s staying on the DVR.

Fox Renews Fringe! There was dancing. There was a celebratory shot of whiskey. There was a scream so loud I’m sure my neighbors thought my apartment was being burgled. I’m surprised, relieved, and so so so so so happy. I have a feeling the rest of the season is going to be pretty dark, and while I’m really excited, it would have killed me if this series had ended on a bleak note. It would have killed me if this series had ended at all. For Fox to make such a vote of confidence in the series (Kevin Reilly says it’s “truly hit a creative stride and has distinguished itself as one of television’s most original programs.”) just pleases me beyond explanation. The climb up the ranks of Twitter’s trending topics was the icing on a really joyful cupcake. Next step? Spending the summer politely convincing people to watch it.

This doesn’t even get into how great Parks and Recreation was, or how better-than-mediocre Grey’s Anatomy managed to be last night. Now I’m tired, and my throat hurts from all the screaming. Not bad for a random Friday morning in March.

Thirty years ago, a group of prisoners and guards disappeared from Alcatraz. Now, they’ve shown back up, and the FBI is on the case.

It sounds super-low-concept, extremely accessible, and not at all leading toward a complex mythology that demands you watch every single episode without fail.

(Or not.)

Now, I am all for this. I have, at times (when I saw the trailer for Super 8, the first time Jack and Kate kissed), considered changing my Religious Views on Facebook to “JJ Abrams.” The only thing he’s ever invented that I’ve not liked is James Ford, and even that sonofabitch grew on me once he dequadrangulated himself. I’m excited about this pilot–I like the premise, I like the cast, and Elizabeth Sarnoff is

What I will not accept is the cancellation of Fringe at the benefit of a series like this.

Because while the series that Jabrams shepherds are inventive and brilliant and (often) romantic … they’re not for everyone. Yes, in my dream world, everyone likes science fiction and country music, but that’s just not the case in real life. Parks and Recreation? Friday Night Lights? I think everyone can (and should) like those. But these high-concept, densely mythological series just don’t attract and retain the same kind of viewers–and they shouldn’t be expected to.

Alias never brought in humongous ratings. Even Lost, the jewel of the Jabrams crown, survived for six seasons on the coattails of a stellar, Emmy-winning first year. Over the course of six seasons, Lost dropped from 15th place on the charts to 31st. While I have nothing but high hopes for Alcatraz, I have to imagine that, three years down the road, it’ll be facing the same challenges that Fringe is. So it boggles my brain that Fringe, which I believe is the most creative and thrilling show on television, is considered a teetering bubble show when THIS is what the network is keen to pick up for the fall. (Not sure if this is confirmed or not, but there was a rumor that Fox had already greenlit the front thirteen.)

Now, I was going to make a threat that if Fox cancels Fringe, I’ll boycott the network for five years, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep, and you never know. Glee could get really good again. But I will come up with my personal retribution that’s way worse than five years of hatred. (Suggestions welcome.)

I loved it, and I have a very bad history with con men.

So I was shocked to wake up on Tuesday and find that its ratings were appallingly low–a ridiculous 4.1 million viewers.

There are a lot of ideas being thrown around about the reasons behind its demise–confusing marketing, an unsympathetic hero, an incongruous lead-in in House–but the bottom line, I think, is that CRAZY PEOPLE are still watching Dancing with the Stars and, God bless ‘em, Two and a Half Men. Their Monday night appointments were made years ago, and they’re not switching it up now.

What remains to be seen is what Fox will do about Lone Star‘s admittedly bad situation.

Will they chalk it up to bad scheduling and try to rearrange the grid to find somewhere better? (I’d argue for sacrificing one of their Wednesday night shows and moving Lone Star to that marginally easier night.) Or will they cut their losses and get out while they can? They could also stop production, retool what they’ve got, and try to bring it back for midseason.

In all the years I’ve been watching television, I can’t’ remember a pilot I’ve actually liked, a pilot that was well-done, well-marketed, and highly acclaimed, being cancelled so early in the season. And while there’s really nothing to be done at this point (aside from directing you all to watch the pilot on Hulu or download it FOR FREE on iTunes!), it still really sucks to see good television go unnoticed.

High-fives to every person who made sure this didn’t happen to Friday Night Lights.

raise your hand if you're awesome.

It’s about an island.

Sold.

…

Oh, you wanted more information? With Elizabeth Sarnoff, a former Lost writer, JJ Abrams is executive producing a new pilot about Alcatraz. It’s officially being described as “a show about mysteries, secrets and the most infamous prison of all time: Alcatraz.”

Now sold to Fox, the idea definitely has me thinking. See, I’ve been to Alcatraz, and there’s nothing too mysterious going on right now–it’s pretty much all ferry rides and audio tours. Which makes me wonder … is this going to be a period series? Will it take place during the heyday of the prison? Or will it take place in modern day, investigating the mysteries and secrets of the gift shop after-hours?

Not like any of those choices would deter me from watching.

Also, just to get you all excited, Elizabeth Sarnoff wrote the much-beloved Lost episode “Stranger in a Strange Land.”

Sarcasm.

could ianto be resurrected? // bbc promotional photo

The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Fox has commissioned Russell T Davies to develop an American version of his hit British series Torchwood, a spinoff of Doctor Who which I am quite fond of.

At first glance, it’s a major epic flail.

Davies has signed on himself, along with Julie Gardner and Jane Tranter, to bring Torchwood stateside, an unusual move for international series being adapted for America.  And according to THR, some of the cast, perhaps including John Barrowman, could be brought over to star in the series.

Spit-spot: tweet, change your GChat status, hurt your ankle jumping around the apartment.

Then pause.  Think about it.  Huh?

Now I have a lot of questions.

Does this mean that Torchwood is done in the UK?  Last I heard, season four was a go.  If the show is still going to continue in the UK and start up over here, and if Barrowman’s coming over, what does that mean for the canon of the series?  According to THR, “the U.S. version will contain a global story line compared to the more localized sensibility of the first two BBC seasons.”

This may be an ignorant question, but what stops networks like Fox from purchasing the rights to air standard Torchwood on our airwaves, just like Sky One in the UK and Global in Canada do?  Why develop whole new versions when the existing version is still thriving?  What would make more sense to me–and what I’d be trying to do were I a network executive–is forming partnerships between US and UK networks, in which, say, Fox helps significantly to fund production of Torchwood in exchange for the right to air the series stateside–and an agreement to take on more global storylines.

All of that said, I am cautiously intrigued about this venture.  And I definitely like the idea of America claiming John Barrowman.

Meanwhile, Tranter is also considering developing an American version of Doctor Who, which is the worst idea I’ve heard in my entire life.

And, finally, here’s this, because I like it.

Says the pilot’s writer, “Alaska is a place where people disappear and now you know why.”

Of course, the writers hope the whole werewolf thing will serve as a nice allegory for social unrest, suburban dystopia, etc. etc. etc.

I am not and will never be a Twilight fan, and I think Stephenie Meyer is a disgrace to pop culture.

BUT I will say that I much prefer werewolves to vampires.  My favorite member of the Order of the Phoenix is Lupin (that’s a lie, it’s definitely Sirius Black, but I still love Lupin like whoa), my favorite Doctor Who series two episode is “Tooth and Claw” (or maybe it’s “The Satan Pit,” I don’t know), and I do enjoy seeing Taylor Lautner without a shirt on.

So if we have to do supernatural crap, I’d much prefer werewolves to vampires.  But I’d also prefer just about anything else to werewolves OR vampires.

Finn Hudson (Glee) – “I am thankful that the Pilgrims didn’t celebrate the first Thanksgiving by eating Great White Shark because I bet they’re much harder to kill than turkeys and my mom’s oven isn’t very big.”

Sue Sylvester (Glee) — “I’m thankful for bamboo’s durability and resistance to splintering, making my ‘discipline cane’ the perfect teaching tool.”

Dr. Lance Sweets (Bones) — “I am thankful for neurosis and sexual tension between partners.” (Aren’t we all?)

Dr. Walter Bishop (Fringe) — “I am thankful that I still have wonderful LSD flashbacks.”

Dr. Robert Chase (House) – “I am thankful for… well, actually, not very much right now.” (Aww.)

For the rest of the thankfulness, click here.

The fellows who run Project Rungay lovingly call her “Bad Mommy,” because Laura always seemed to talk about her kids with as much disdain as affection.  They’ve got a new interview with her in which she spills the details on her pilot:

It’s hard to judge your own work but the initial reaction to the book has been amazing. Sony Entertainment optioned the book to be adapted as a scripted television comedy, with Jamie Tarses as executive producer. Sort of Sex and the City meets Malcolm In The Middle. I went to Los Angeles during network pitch season and made the rounds to all the networks. Fox picked up the project and ordered a pilot script. Which is totally exciting. Can you imagine, the same network as Family Guy and Glee! Jane Lynch would be a perfect Laura.

A quick search of both Hollywood Reporter and Variety archives reveal nothing about this project; also, Jamie Tarses has been working pretty seriously on the Matthew Perry project for ABC.  It sounds to me like Fox asked for a pilot and chose not to shoot it.  Or the project is in the works, but the news just hasn’t broke yet.

It does sound like an interesting concept–although I think Melora Hardin from The Office (she of oversharing and talking over everyone else in the room) would be a much better Laura than Jane Lynch.

this is brennan's momface. // fox promotional photo

I guess I’ll add my two cents to the Bones and Canada confusion, because there seems to be a lot of it.

Let’s start with a little recap.  Bones has been preempted for the last two weeks because of baseball, and depending on who wins the game tomorrow night, it could get pushed another week, too.  (Go, Yankees!)

For about a year now, I guess, Bones has been airing on Thursday nights in America and on Wednesday nights in Canada, prompting many if not most episodes to hit the Internet before hitting American airwaves.  It has become a favorite pastime of American (and other non-Canadian) fangirls to find and watch the episodes beforehand; in all likelihood, this is the most dangerous criminal activity in which most of us will ever participate.  (One could even liken us to Brennan herself, whose biggest transgression so far has been dining and dashing–and Booth paid behind her back.)  But speaking of American pastimes …

Because we don’t know whether or not Bones will air in America this Thursday, we also don’t know whether or not it will air in Canada tomorrow.  While it would be a treat to see it tomorrow night, I’m guessing that it’s not going to end up on, and here’s why:

I don’t know how it works up there, but here, it’d be a big problem if, less than twenty-four hours before an episode was scheduled, there hadn’t been any promos for it and fans didn’t know whether or not it was going to be new.  This is precisely why Fox scheduled reruns of Glee for tomorrow night–that was the plan whether or not the Series ended in time.  (Glee won’t air at all tomorrow because of Game Six.)  They felt they wouldn’t have had enough time to promote the show between when the series would have ended (as early as Sunday night) and when the new episodes could have been scheduled.  Meanwhile, they’ve been promoting the hell out of Bones–during the World Series–with the almost-humorous “IF NO BASEBALL” tag at the end.

Yes, Global is in Canada and is not affiliated with Fox and doesn’t give a rat’s behind about baseball because they are far too busy fawning over the Queen and speaking French and getting free healthcare.  BUT.  20th Century Fox produces the show–they decide when and where it goes.

If this wasn’t true, Global would have already aired the next episode, right?  They’ve only been on a three-week hiatus because we’ve been on a three-week hiatus.

It seems like the way it works is that 20th Century Fox distributes the show episode by episode to their global markets.  They worked out a deal with Global to allow them to air Bones a day early.  I’m sure it doesn’t really affect viewership, since most of the American nuts who watch it online Wednesday nights end up catching it on Fox the next night anyway, purely to see David Boreanaz’s stubble in high definition.

But I imagine it would start to affect American audiences if it started airing on Global a whole week early.  20th Century Fox is probably unwilling to do that.  Why else do you think Canada’s episodes got so screwy last spring when Fox ended up airing, like, seven episodes in a three-week span?  (For those of you who don’t recall, Canadian episodes ended up airing way out of order to compensate for not being able to keep up with how quickly Fox was airing the last ten episodes of season four.)

So I bet what’s happening is 20th Century Fox has been trying to hold out on giving Global the go-ahead for tomorrow–I’m sure it would’ve been business as usual if the Yankees had already clinched the Series.  Now, it’s basically too late, and they’re not going to know whether or not Bones will air Thursday until late Wednesday–after the episode would have already aired in Canada.

The bottom line is that linking a production company to a network (see also: ABC & ABC Studios; NBC & NBC Universal) gives that network a huge advantage.  Yeah, sometimes it’s a bummer that the Canadians get to see Boreanaz’s stubble a whole day before we do, but at the end of the day, it’s the American audiences who benefit.  We always see episodes in the canonical order, we don’t have our schedules messed with by sports we don’t care about (did you know there’s such a thing as Canadian football?), and it’s our preemptions that affect everybody else.  It’s actually a very American system.

Hell, I’m just glad I’m not on another continent–you guys have it rough.