enjoy the fresh air, guys. // fox promotional photo

Y’all know I’m off the Bones bandwagon, but I couldn’t resist commenting on a story that Ausiello broke yesterday regarding an upcoming storyline. It’s cheesy, it’s predictable, and, if you’re me, it’s good for a big laugh. More after the jump.

In April, Booth and Brennan will be trapped in an elevator together.

You heard that right. And you’ve heard that before.

This is one of those television cliches (also known as tropes) that is SO cliche (and trope-like) that it’s shocking to me when a writer ACTUALLY GOES THERE. You would think this is on a list of plot points so overused they must surely be retired. And mocked. Oh, and ridiculed. Because COME ON. Trapped in an elevator? Been there, done that, got the stale, sweaty t-shirt.

This is not to say I haven’t liked “We’re trapped!” as a storyline in the past. When I see a sign-up sheet for TV quarantines, I immediately write my name down. I have never NOT liked an episode called “Lockdown.” Being trapped can be an effective measure of getting two people to sort out their problems–but it usually doesn’t turn out well.

Once on Ed, Ed and Carol had to spend a night in jail together. They were fighting when they went in, and they had more or less resolved to stop being friends by the end of it. Or something. I don’t remember. WHY ISN’T THIS SHOW ON DVD? On Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Danny and Jordan got trapped on the roof during the height of his mad stalking obsession with her. They kind of made out (maybe?), but I believe it ended with her saying, “CUT IT OUT FREAK,” and he said, creepishly, “No.” And then they got off the roof. Not Sorkin’s best work, guys. Here’s a video someone made of Danny and Jordan’s super-romantic rooftop scenes, cut to the music of Moulin Rouge. I think this really illustrates how crazy this show was. Also, Bradley Whitford’s strawberry blonde hair makes the Good Guys mustache look like an awesome decision.

Anyway, the stuck in an elevator bit usually doesn’t end with making out. (Unless you’re Derek and Meredith, in which case, all bets are off. Those lameass losers got engaged in an elevator, for crying out loud.) But it DOES often serve to get important information out in the open. For Booth and Brennan, if my speculation is correct, it’ll probably come at a strange period for them, after he’s broken up with Hannah but before he convinces himself he never really got over Brennan in the first place. So this could POSSIBLY set up the final impasse that they will eventually, well, pass, in order to get together for realsies.

What kinds of impasses, you say?

He could tell her he still loves her, but she could resist. He did, after all, once tell her he wanted to spend 50 years with her, and then conveniently found a less-protesting lady under a fig tree in Afghanistan.

She could tell him she’s not sorry Hannah’s gone. Which could just make him mad, if he doesn’t read between the lines.

He could get pissed at her for ruining his life, making it so he can’t love anybody else while simultaneously refusing to give it a shot with him.

There are any number of possibilities.

Of course, it should also be noted that this happened on Moonlighting. Proof:

It’s possible that the “Stuck in an Elevator” cliche is the true Moonlighting Curse. It’s also possible, as evidenced by this terrible clip, that Moonlighting was its own curse and we should disregard any and all lessons purported by anyone in the wake of its demise.

you just don't choose a guy named carl over a guy who drinks CAPRI SUN. it's just not done. // fox promotional photo

Oh, Emma.

On Tuesday’s episode of Glee, it was revealed that known nutter Emma Pillsbury had up and eloped with John Stamos’s Dr. Carl. In my circle of nutter-watchers, we call this “getting crazy married.”

Here’s the deal. I could potentially understand (and possibly even support) this crazy union if we had spent more than two episodes with Carl. I mean, for crying out loud, this was only the fourth episode of the season that Emma, who is a main character by the way, has been in. In “Britney/Brittany,” Carl came across as kind of a douche, not being sensitive to Emma’s admittedly weird phobias. When Will pushed her beyond her comfort zone, he did it in a sweet, sexy, chalky-nose way, but Carl was written (in that episode) as just being a jerk who doesn’t get it. Well, then cut to three weeks later, and Emma’s happily sitting in gross movie theater seats for midnight showings of Rocky Horror. I didn’t get it. That transformation wasn’t covered at all, and, as a person who gives a crap about character development, I was frustrated. (Although, let’s be honest, people who care about character development probably shouldn’t be watching Glee—how many different versions of Finn has Cory Monteith played this season?)

And that’s the latest we’d seen of either of them until Tuesday, when they ran off and got crazy married. (My friend Caitie brilliantly pointed out that this was Emma’s second wedding in as many trips to Sectionals. For a virgin, that guidance counselor really gets around.)

Now, look, I could practically write a dissertation on crazy marriage. I get it. You determine that the man you thought was your soul mate is actually kind of a skank, who suddenly doesn’t look so handsome now that he’s unencumbered by a whackadoodle wife, and you try super-hard to make it work with the next dentist who pays attention to you. And you’ve been working for a long time on inching your way out of your comfort zone, and you suddenly feel like OMG I’M CURED LET’S DO SOMETHING CRAZY BECAUSE I CAN and then you end up like the guy in Alanis Morrissette’s “Ironic” who was terrified of flying and then died in a plane crash on his first go of it.

The good news is, this problem is easy fixable.

Because Emma’s story—like it or not—is still totally wrapped up in her virginity. Now, I’ve talked before about how gross it is, this Cruel Intentions-esque race between Carl and Will to see who can have sex with Emma first, and how I sicken myself by still wanting Will to win the creepy contest. But the fact remains that Emma’s virginity is way too big of a deal at this point for it not to still be a plot point.

Yeah, folks, I think even though she’s got a ring on her finger, the race IS STILL ON.

Part of my dissertation research, of course, involves looking into state laws on divorce and annulment. In Ohio, you can get a marriage annulled on the following grounds: underage marriage (not applicable), bigamy (not applicable, probably), mental incompetence of one of the parties (debatable, but probably not applicable), fraud (not applicable), duress (doesn’t sound like it), or nonconsummation of the marriage (DING DING DING DING DING).

Y’all, my season finale Nationals prediction stands. By that point, Emma and Carl will have gotten their crazy marriage crazy annulled, because they still won’t have done it, and she can have dirty hotel room sex at Nationals with Mr. Schue.

Of course, if she did have wedding night sex with her husband (hell, even if she gave it up to him weeks ago), then YOU GO GIRL. I support that decision. I am totally not AGAINST women having sex with John Stamos. I don’t have a problem with it. (I’m also not against them divorcing John Stamos, either—I mean, have you SEEN Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell’s babies??) All I’m saying is that, based on STORYTELLING alone, the story has been leading to Emma and Will getting busy since day freaking one. And I’m still not convinced that this whole crazy marriage is anything more than an annoying time-waster on the way to Sexytown. Which, by the way, is where Nationals will be held this year.

i would just like to comment on that impressive sue sylvester pumpkin. // fox promotional photo

Forget song previews–the complete songs from next week’s “Rocky Horror Glee Show” are available to watch on YouTube and download wherever you get your Glee music. Spoilers after the jump.

Super-jaunty, well-performed (even by Cory Monteith!), and featuring the most sing-alongable songs from Rocky Horror, I might go ahead and put this set of songs at the top of my Glee playlist. I can’t even remember the last time the entire episode’s set list was so well-done–usually there’s at least one clunker, especially lately. (I’m looking at you, Monteith.)

The songs are well-distributed amongst the characters. As expected/hoped for/prayed to Cheesus for, Emma’s singing “Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me,” and it’s nothing short of amazing, but more on that later. There’s also a first solo for John Stamos, singing “Hot Patootie”/”Whatever Happened to Saturday Night?” This song by itself goes against the image of Rocky Horror as a whole, and it’s actually kind of perfect for the man who once was Uncle Jesse. It’s fun and loud and won’t do Will any favors in the winning-back-Emma department.

I’m a little anxious to find out how Mercedes ends up singing the Frank-N-Furter part. Didn’t Mercedes have enough trouble at school before singing “Sweet Transvestite” in the high school musical? Whatever the case, she totally nails it.

I was also quite pleased to see the producers give Cory a song that he can actually sing. Look, I can accept that certain actors were cast in spite of the fact that they’re not former Broadway stars. Jane Lynch has had two solos, and this will only be Jayma’s third. Now, while Finn, as a member of the glee club, has more of a responsibility to sing than the cheerleading coach and the guidance counselor, it doesn’t change the fact that Cory just isn’t as strong of a singer as his castmates. So when they keep giving him these painful solos, I just sit at home and go WHYYYYY. He also gets one of the best moments in “Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me” when the cast takes turns singing “creature of the night”–Finn’s slightly confused take is easily the funniest of the bunch.

Another big WHYYYYY in this episode is the lyrics that the show changed from the original. To appease the network or the studio or the FCC or whomever had a problem, the show changed a few choice lyrics. In Emma’s song, “heavy petting” was changed to “heavy sweating,” which, frankly, sounds a lot grosser. And in “Sweet Transvestite,” Frank-N-Furter is no longer from Transsexual, Transylvania, but rather from “Sensational,” Transylvania.

Can I call BS on this, please? Do we not remember that Jacob Ben Israel masturbated at a pep rally three weeks ago? That’s okay, but the words “heavy petting” aren’t? I’m still not entirely sure what constitutes heavy petting, but I’m pretty sure Glee has shown it before.

While we’re on the subject, holy crap Miss Pillsbury. Sexually frustrated Emma Pillsbury singing this song is already one of my favorite Glee set-ups ever. Judging by the promo, there’s going to be some Will/Emma action, likely to this song, but my money’s on a dream sequence. Furthermore, it kind of makes me nervous that she’s going to, ahem, alleviate her sexual frustration with Dr. Carl. Even though this whole unspoken race to see which one can have sex with Emma first thing is really misogynistic and kind of grody, I still want Will to win it. But I have a feeling this episode is going to be a double-edged sword for Will/Emma fans.

i pity blair sometimes, too, serena. // the cw promotional photo

Monday’s premiere of Gossip Girl was, much like Serena and Blair’s Parisian summer, part sizzle, part fizzle.

The dialogue was classic Gossip Girl–rapid-fire, filled with pop culture references, and altogether smart. But the plot choices they’ve set up are, frankly, super-confusing.

Chuck’s in Paris (Prague?) with Fleur Delacour, calling himself Henry and having gotten himself shot. The French girl nursed him back to health in her low-budget apartment, so he’s okay, but Lily’s getting voicemails from European officials claiming that Chuck’s body just washed ashore. I guess this is supposed to be the BIG MYSTERY of the season, but I’m just not buying it. Chuck’s always been my second-to-least-favorite character (Vanessa–::shudders::), and the only time I’ve been able to tolerate him is when he’s with Blair. So, for all I care, his body could have actually just washed ashore on a beach and I would’ve been just as happy.

Nate’s dating a pyscho stalker, maybe. Katie Cassidy’s on board as Juliet, a cute, flirty girl who’s got mysterious intentions and a wall covered in pictures and information about the Upper East Siders. My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that this girl is THE Gossip Girl; I wasn’t the only one, because producers quickly dismissed those rumors. (Ugh–that would’ve been a way better storyline.)

Dan’s co-parenting with Georgina. WHAT. He says she’s been totally normal and cool, that he trusts her when she says the baby is his, and I’m just, like … why? Dan’s supposed to be this super-smart broody boy, and yet he’s just willing to trust this crazy nutjob, who’s done nothing but lie for the last three seasons? I mean, she is literally the most untrustworthy character on this show, which is really saying something. This entire plotline makes no logistical sense, and I feel sorry for that little baby who has to grow up with Georgina as a mom, especially once Dan figures it out and gets rid of her sorry ass.

And, finally, perhaps the most bizarre thing going on here–the singer Robyn is supposedly guest-starring in an October episode that involves Blair’s birthday party. Now, I’ll admit to not being as up on my pop music as I am on my television, but has Robyn really been relevant in this country since her 1997 hit “Show Me Love”?

IMPORTANT COMPUTER STUFF! // abc promotional photo

There are new promotional pictures for Grey’s Anatomy up on SpoilerTV. (Spoilery!) thoughts are after the jump!

First of all, in the picture above, you can see that Callie’s lab coat reads “Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital.”  Did we know that’s what they were going to call the hospital post-merger?  Because that’s insane.  I’m glad I’m not their receptionist, because seriously. That’s a mouthful.

gross // abc promotional photo

The biggest news out of these photos, from the upcoming episode “Give Peace a Chance,” is the sad state that McDreamy seems to be in.  The episode synopsis reads, “When the hospital lab tech, Isaac, discovers he has an inoperable tumor wrapped around his spine, he turns to Derek for help; Derek challenges Richard’s authority.”  It seems like Derek’s going to throw himself into the case and, like he has been doing for the past few weeks, will stand up to the Chief to get things done.

It’s about time.  The Chief is another hateful character–I wish it had been him who had been thrown under the bus instead of George.  He’s just such a whiny baby, and if he hates his job so much, then why doesn’t he just RETIRE already like he’s been talking about doing since FOREVER?  NO ONE WOULD MISS HIM.

So I personally love that Derek’s Big Story While Ellen Is On Maternity Leave revolves around kicking the Chief’s ass.

Also, while we’re on the subject–we know that Ellen Pompeo’s going to miss a grand total of zero episodes because of her maternity leave, but we also know she’s going to be pretty downsized at least until around Christmas.  They said they filmed a lot of her scenes before she had the baby, so given the way last week went, I have to assume these scenes are, at first, of her recuperating in bed and Derek coming home to her after a hard day, and then, later, of her randomly standing around in the hospital.  Still, though, the canonical reason for her absence is that she’s recovering from giving her dad a piece of her liver.

That would be all well and good if it hadn’t just taken Izzie FIVE MINUTES to go from one end of the scalpel to the other.  I mean, seriously, if Izzie could recover from her INOPERABLE BRAIN TUMOR enough to already be back in the hospital in episode three, it doesn’t really make any sense for Meredith to take until Christmas to recover from a little liver-giving.  Whatever.  I shouldn’t be surprised, when this show has the most effed-up timeline in the history of television.  But that’s a rant for another post.

tyra & serena are totally bff // the cw promotional photo

I can suspend my disbelief for Gossip Girl, but this is getting a little ridiculous.  In last night’s episode, Hilary Duff’s character, starlet-come-NYU newcomer Olivia, was randomly assigned to live with Vanessa, randomly struck up a flirtation with Dan, and randomly sat one table away from Serena at a restaurant.  I know social circles are smaller when you’re wealthy, but NYU is a big school and New York City is a big city.  While it was definitely convenient for Olivia to integrate herself into different facets of the Gossip Girl scene so quickly, it doesn’t exactly seem realistic.  So I’m calling blue snakes on this one, which was my sister’s and my code word for bullshit as tweens–look, I even gave it its own tag.

Also, just saying, Tyra Banks is actually a better actress than Hilary Duff.  (That’s not really that big of a compliment.)