Thirty years ago, a group of prisoners and guards disappeared from Alcatraz. Now, they’ve shown back up, and the FBI is on the case.

It sounds super-low-concept, extremely accessible, and not at all leading toward a complex mythology that demands you watch every single episode without fail.

(Or not.)

Now, I am all for this. I have, at times (when I saw the trailer for Super 8, the first time Jack and Kate kissed), considered changing my Religious Views on Facebook to “JJ Abrams.” The only thing he’s ever invented that I’ve not liked is James Ford, and even that sonofabitch grew on me once he dequadrangulated himself. I’m excited about this pilot–I like the premise, I like the cast, and Elizabeth Sarnoff is

What I will not accept is the cancellation of Fringe at the benefit of a series like this.

Because while the series that Jabrams shepherds are inventive and brilliant and (often) romantic … they’re not for everyone. Yes, in my dream world, everyone likes science fiction and country music, but that’s just not the case in real life. Parks and Recreation? Friday Night Lights? I think everyone can (and should) like those. But these high-concept, densely mythological series just don’t attract and retain the same kind of viewers–and they shouldn’t be expected to.

Alias never brought in humongous ratings. Even Lost, the jewel of the Jabrams crown, survived for six seasons on the coattails of a stellar, Emmy-winning first year. Over the course of six seasons, Lost dropped from 15th place on the charts to 31st. While I have nothing but high hopes for Alcatraz, I have to imagine that, three years down the road, it’ll be facing the same challenges that Fringe is. So it boggles my brain that Fringe, which I believe is the most creative and thrilling show on television, is considered a teetering bubble show when THIS is what the network is keen to pick up for the fall. (Not sure if this is confirmed or not, but there was a rumor that Fox had already greenlit the front thirteen.)

Now, I was going to make a threat that if Fox cancels Fringe, I’ll boycott the network for five years, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep, and you never know. Glee could get really good again. But I will come up with my personal retribution that’s way worse than five years of hatred. (Suggestions welcome.)

(It’s also a show I’ve been excited about for over a year, and there isn’t even a network attached yet.)

EW suggests Olbermann’s job would be to “contribute rants,” a task this writer doesn’t doubt he’s qualified for. However, y’know who’s even more qualified? Mr. Sorkin, of course. I mean, seriously. According to EW, talks are being had at the HBO offices; if this show were produced with short seasons, Sorkin could almost definitely write each episode himself. But now that he’s about to be an Oscar-winning screenwriter, will he learn to delegate so he can continue writing films? Selfishly, I hope not.

I think it’s a little premature to assume that Olbermann would have formal ties to the series–especially in such a way that would have required him to leave his day job. The most I could see him doing, realistically, is to perform a role similar to Dee Dee Myers’s on The West Wing. As a former Press Secretary to President Clinton, Myers consulted with Sorkin and the writing staff on her real-life experiences in the White House. She received a Story By credit on five episodes.

Mostly, I’m just supportive of getting the ball rolling on this series, whoever is involved.

Deadline reports that Steve Carell is writing the pilot for a single-camera comedy that takes place at a post office. Here’s the full description:

It is described as a sweet and nostalgic take on the period of Carell’s early life as a mail carrier and centers on a small-town post office frequented by a quirky but tight-knit group of local twentysomethings.

Definitely an interesting and unusual setting for a comedy series, but I’m kind of confused. Why would a tight-knit group of local twentysomethings frequent a post office? I hate going to the post office. I’m always stuck behind three old ladies getting money orders while I’m just trying to buy a book of stamps. I would rather go to the dentist than go to the post office.

What’s fun about this idea is that it allows for interaction with weird locals who either visit the post office or are visited by mail carriers. See, the biggest problem with The Office since, you know, mid-season four, is that they ran out of good ideas in the office, but it often gets awkward when they leave the office. (Cece’s christening, anyone?)

While it doesn’t look like Carell will be acting in the project, people sometimes don’t remember that he wrote maybe the second-best episode of The Office ever, “Casino Night.” (The best is “The Dundies,” OBVIOUSLY.) So his continued involvement in anything on television–and honestly, on something more fresh than his current series–is good for America.

The real question I have is whether or not she has the gravitas and the acting wherewithal to carry an entire series by herself. Charlotte was probably my favorite of the girls on Sex and the City, but she’s pretty one-note for most of the series. If this goes to series, I’d hope to see a cohort of supporting characters. (That said, it could also just be that the SATC writers neglected to give Davis material that she could really run with–that’s almost definitely true of the movies.)

What this pilot will REALLY need is something that sets it apart from Eat Pray Love. Because that’s kind of what it sounds like from here. And that was just way too annoying and riddled with #whitegirlproblems to last any longer than two hours.

(First thought: Walter Sherman is not the name of a man who knows how to charm ladies.)

I have three opinions about this prospective set-up spinoff and here they are.

1. I believe that spinoffs should happen organically. When Addison outgrew Grey’s Anatomy, it was logical for her to spin off to Private Practice, even though that show is ridiculous and skanky. Or when Rhoda moved back to New York and left The Mary Tyler Moore Show for her own series–that was natural. Just for the principle of the thing, I oppose introducing characters for the sole purpose of spinning them off. If this is the plan, then why not just start a pilot from scratch, Hanson? Well, here’s why. Because his last one failed, and he’s probably trying to think of how he can build on the success of his current show. Also, spinoffs merit crossovers. And while Bones is no stranger to the crossover concept (who could forget season four’s ridiculous Family Guy event?), it could use an in-universe partner that’s a little more relevant to their stories than, say, So You Think You Can Dance?

2. Anything that gets Hart Hanson away from Bones and puts Stephen Nathan in charge gets my approval. I’m trying not to be bitter, but Stephen is a much friendlier person and, in my opinion, he’s a much better writer. I may have thought the the Family Guy crossover was ridiculous, but the writing was good (especially because it felt like I wrote it since I predicted that crap down to the “I want you to have my stuff” line) and, in comparison to the episode that followed it (the nonsensical coma dream episode), Stephen’s is practically Nobel-worthy. So if a new series for Hart means Stephen Nathan gets to run Bones for a while, there may be hope yet for Booth and Brennan.

3. If we’re going to spin off a character, WHY CAN’T IT BE HANNAH?

These images are just in comic book form, but you can get the idea of what those dudes are going to look like–scary.  (Also, strangely, kind of like Doctor Who‘s Ood? Is that fair?) We also get a little bit of a character intro from the guys writing the Falling Skies comic book.

Noah Wyle’s character, Tom, is a history professor (we knew that already) with three sons, two young and one almost grown, from the looks of them. While Tom is interested in the long-term strategy of fighting the aliens, his oldest son, Hal, is more interested in, like, a Joaquin Phoenix-in-Signs situation. (That means bludgeoning aliens with baseball bats. Well, Joaquin didn’t really hit the aliens; he hit the water glasses, which kills aliens. Who knew.)

And the ladyfriend tagging along with the family, named Ann, is a pediatrician (convenient!) who is concerned primarily with basic survival and maintaining the group’s humanity.

From the look of everything I’ve seen (which isn’t much), this show seems like it could be pretty stark. Because this is, I believe, first and foremost a story of survival, and the odds are against these guys.

I’m rather excited for this pilot, whenever it ends up airing, because if there are two things in the universe that I have a love/hate relationship with, it’s aliens and Noah Wyle.

this screencap doesn't adequately represent this episode. // screen capture via lost-media.com

Ausiello broke some pretty major news yesterday when he announced that former Lost writers Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz are penning a pilot for next season, and that one Damon Laurence Lindelof is onboard to consult.

The few details that Ausiello was able to get indicate that the series is fairy-tale-themed and will have a female lead character.

I have to admit that my first reaction was unbridled glee. And then I remembered … SIX YEARS OF AGONY. Six years! During the lowest of the low points of Lost, I would pound my fists on the floor and scream and tweet, “Never again! I will never work with these writers again!” (By work with, I mean watch their shows and then talk about them afterward, but you get that.)

And then I started remembering the good times. You know what Kitsowitz wrote? (Besides Tron: Legacy, in theaters December 17.)

“Something Nice Back Home,” bitches.

That episode is so loved in these parts it’s known simply as SNBH.

Yeah, those three writers were well-known as “The Ones Who Liked Jate.”

And if this show is really fairy-tale themed, doesn’t that mean it has to have a happily ever after? And if the lead character is a girl, does that mean they’re putting some thought into how to make her more than a man-chasing, cage-sexing, indecisive-until-the-afterlife skank? (Katie-Kate, I love you, but you know it’s true.)

The point is, I’m cynical. I expect them to ask too many questions and then answer them poorly. I expect them to clearly set up a love story in the pilot that gets crappily dealt with in the series finale. I expect them to slap some crap together when it’s convenient.

But I also expect it to be, well, fucking amazing.

lc has a lot of enemies. and no sex tape, just to be clear. // mtv promotional photo

First of all, don’t get all up in my grill for covering a reality show. YOU SAW THE HILLS FINALE. It was never real. It’s totally fakedy-fake. Except for Spencer, who really does suck.

I am a huge fan of the classic years of The Hills, mostly season three, and recently did a major rewatch. The drama on that show, which I’m sure was mostly super-fake, was nothing short of amazing television. (“You KNOW what you did!” remains one of my favorite TV lines ever, along with “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don’t want that as your boyfriend” and basically everything Lo Bosworth has ever said.)

Anyway. Lauren’s new show isn’t about her personal life, but rather about her launching her latest fashion line. So the major question is … will it be interesting? Even though The Hills often touched on Lauren’s work experiences, that was mostly about the trials and tribulations of interning with her bestie Whitney, not the ins and outs of her fashion career. Lauren’s statement about the show reads:

“I am so excited to be rejoining the MTV family. The new project will follow me as I develop my new contemporary line and also touch on my other businesses.”

Sounds like a big commercial for Lauren Conrad’s fashion line, and I’m not sure how that’s going to play. Interestingly, the show isn’t being produced by Adam DiVello, the evil genius behind Laguna Beach and The Hills. Without him masterminding this whole thing, what’s going to go down? Who will the other “characters” be? Will fun former castmates come on to stir up drama? Will Audrina bring Justin Bobby to the launch party and then wind up screaming “I’m done!!!” at him in the parking lot afterward? Will newly single Heidi try to get in on the action and become re-BFFs with LC? Will her bevy of ex-boyfriends swoop in to cause trouble just when things are FINALLY GOING WELL FOR A CHANGE?

If the answer to these questions is no, and the show really is just about her fashion career, then I’m skeptical. Because Lauren on her own, without Pratt drama, is about as interesting as a coffee table.

I really am AMAZED that what started out as some kidding-around on the set of LOST has turned into a network TV reality! I’m still reeling from this sudden turn of events. I’m an actor who has never even succeeded in testing for a pilot and here I find myself involved in a project custom-built for Terry and me! Can’t tell you how thrilling it is to be part of the Bad Robot family and enter into this exciting collaboration with Warner Brothers and NBC! Have we ARRIVED or what?! But best of all will be that day when Terry and I show up on the set of a brand new show, look around, shrug our shoulders and say “Let’s get started!” My fingers are crossed! (Did I use enough exclamation points? Ha!)

SO many exclamation points!

Whatever the premise of this show turns out to be–rumor still has it that it’s about ex-black ops agents–I wonder if we can expect any meta references or throwbacks to Lost. If the show continues, I’d expect to see guest appearances from other former castaways, like the Jennifer Aniston/Lisa Kudrow cameos on Cougar Town. Except, you know, more badass.

On a more serious note, Jabrams officially has projects in development at CBS, NBC, and Fox. Assuming these all get pushed through the development process (I’d guess at least two will), can America handle three new Jabrams series at the same time? Can he effectively promote three pilots? And if, by some chance, these all make it to series, that’d theoretically be five Abrams-produced shows on-air, assuming Undercovers and Fringe get another season. Look, I love him, but that’s a LOT of Bad Robot.

Also, this could possibly involve scenes with Allison Janney, who, as you may remember, Jacobified Jacob, who Jacobified Jack, who Jacobified Hurley. Now that would be fun.